Happy Monday Kids. So I played 108 SNG's this weekend. As I mentioned in my previous blog, I really wanna add SNG's to my repertoire this year. I could have played a lot more but I watched a lot of videos and read up on SNG strategy throughout both days. I mainly just 4 tabled because I wanted to pay close attention. That was super boring but I think it was good. Gave me plenty of time to observe what goes on at the low stakes I was playing ($5+.50). I've played just over 1000 SNG's (Avg buyin $20) in the last 6 or 7 years. I actually don't remember playing that much at all! Mainly when I first started playing poker. I looked myself up on Sharkscope and almost fell outta my chair at how bad my stats are! Although I'm a completely different poker player since those days, it still spun the shit outta me to see the donkery I was pulling back then. Anyway, I spent more time doing double takes and observing the HH replayer more than I did anything on Satuday and Sunday. Most people do some crazy shit at those levels. I saw more limp re-shoves than I've seen in my entire life in the last two days. Most of them were with mid pairs. I also saw them get called by KQ, KJ, and QT. General carnage everywhere! There are some good teaching tools out there and I'm excited about pursuing this SNG thing. HEM said I ran at 25% ROI. Here is my graph for the weekend:

Didn't wanna put up any key hands. Mainly because there are none in SNG's. I guess there could be but I definitely didn't see any. Maybe I will during the ladder climb. Other than that, I didn't do a damn thing this weekend. Never left the house really except to hit the corner store for smokes. Not a drink of scotch either. I did watch my Lakers take a 3-0 lead in the series against the Jazz. Really wanna see them sweep tonight so they are ready to go against the Suns. This morning I heard some crazy Irish whiskey drunkard rant about how the Cavs were gonna sweep the Lakers in the finals. I think 23 will be so battered and bruised after dealing with the green people and the magicians (IF they get past them) that I think the Cavs won't be at their best for the finals. I guess Irish whiskey does strange shit to people. That's why I only drink good scotch!

This week, I'm gonna smash the living shit out of SNG's (starting in like 15 minutes). I'd like to get in 1000 games minimum so that I can analyze a decent sample. My previous 1000 would yeild me to belive 1 thing only: I was a complete fukktard back then. I don't think it should be a problem getting in 1K this week. Let's see if I can keep mr.greenline from going limp!

Peace. 2.

PS - Man, there are all kinds of problems with the new site... all kinds. There are now 13 comments from 2 people (1 of them being me) on my last post when there really should be like 3. Pictures and Graphs and little smiley kiss icons for mothers on mother's day disappear... the world is falling apart people.

SO..with the reconstruction of the CR page, down went my blog. No idea what happened but glad they got it back. Site looks great, haven't gotten a chance to really navigate and get used to it yet but seems a lot better. Thanks to Jeff Miller for his timely replies while I was freaking out about a lost blog like a mother would about losing her child at a walmart!

Ummm...haven't played much poker. Really wanted to take time away from grinding mtt's. The fact that it was around the FTOPS and SCOOPS was as bad timing as can be but I felt like I needed to spend some time studying. Making the transition from live cash to mtt's has not been easy. Although I ran like dog shit at key times, I feel like my play was nothing special. I definitely found some major leaks and am working hard to solve them and figure out how not to let it keep happening. So, been watching a ton of videos and generally just stuyding up and thinking about tournament poker. The fields, as large as they are, just contain too many fish for me not to committ myself to gaining a significant edge over. While I've taken time off from mtt's, I've been smashing low limit SNG's for the past week. Showing a profit for the week with ROI of 33% and made about 22 buy-ins. Gonna try and put in a ton of volume for the rest of the month. Really want to move up the SNG ladder as well. As I tweak this year's goals/plans, I am becoming more and more comitted to diversifying my range of games, both ring and tournament. Really think I will be able to show good profit in the SNG world. With some work, I am sure that I will make significant strides in my MTT play as well. Mostly, I'm excited that my car will be arriving in Toronto within the next 5 days or so. This will finally enable me to hit up casinos and underground clubs so that I can get back to live cash games, my true poker love! With that said, a regiment of MTT's, SNG's, and Live Ring Games should keep me pretty damn busy this year. Finally, I feel like I'm done with my transition period in Toronto and I'm ready to tear it up this year!

On the non poker front, my Lakers are 2-0 in the second round against the Jazz. While they have managed to win, they clearly have some areas to make improvements considering they are in Utah for games 3 and 4. Also, the fact that Ron Artest did not make either of the NBA All-Defense Teams is complete bullshit. Lot of the players on those teams are great but there is no question that Artest should have been on there as well. Yes, I have a HUGE bias towards the Lakers. I grew up with them. If Satan wore purple and gold, I would love Satan. Speaking of Satan, how is the horned woman in True Blood Season 2 not Satan. I really wanted that to be Satan. Instead, she's some stupid shit called a Maenad? Wtf! Sorry, just watched both seasons this week.

I should mention that Eskal, my roomie, is not addicted to heads up Tetris online! He's been smashing and getting smashed by 14 year olds from all over the world. Right now, I went into the living room to grab a smoke and he was watching tetris videos! Fukkin serious? Says he's gonna watch some strategy videos later. Honestly, give poker players some money in their pocket to pay our bills and buy useless shit and we could all just live our lives in constant competition with ourselves and one another.

Don't have much going on this weekend so I'll be studying and grinding a ton of SNG's as well as watching the NBA Playoffs. Hope you guys have a great weekend and remember its Mother's day on Sunday! Do something special for your mothers. Sucks being so far away from mine. She's the best! I love you Mama , enjoy your vacation. You deserve it!

Here's a pic I did on Facebook Graffiti this week.10 Points for anyone that can interpret this image as I intended it to be!

Just busted out pretty deep in the 40K on FT...

Went all out today. Read "muckducks" blog about 4 sets of Blue Lights. Got pumped. Played higher stakes than the original plan. Started around 9am. Can't remember how many tourneys I played today (lots). Cashed twice I think. Got fukked in the worst ways in the worst spots. Over and over again. I never want to see AA or KK ever again. Made a pretty bad play to bust out of the last one. Goodfella basically bitched me out. 4 days straight of grinding and no break throughs. Not being unrealistic. But still..... just feel so fukking defeated right now....

Need a few days off and need to focus on preparation as well as some revisions to the original mtt plan. Will probably ask for your advice/help in an upcoming post.

Stupid MS is making my feet/legs numb. Hope you guys had a better day that I did.


P.S. I hate it when people whine about poker and life and everything. They're the worst...

Hey guys, and girls. Wonder if any girls read my blog. Anyway, been a little busy with a bunch of stuff. First, my car is finally being shipped to me on Friday. The GF is actually driving it up to Vancouver, BC and dropping it off with the people that are going to send my car over to Toronto. Should take 7-10 days. I can't wait. I have a sick thing for cars (worst kind of investment you can make). I really need to start playing live cash games. I'm craving it so hard. The thing is, Eskal is one sick fukk. It's tough going out to play sessions with him because he rarely leaves before games break. I really need to be able to get up when I see fit. A large part of my live game success last year had to do with table/game selection and session length. Back in the day, I used to shoot till I couldn't keep my eyes open. People would tell me that I play too long all the time but I didn't really care cause I love playing live casino cash games much more than most. Obv it's impossible for anyone to play their A game when you can barely read the board. After grad school last year, I really committed myself to making good decisions as far as game selection and was strict about the hours I would log in per session. Luckily, it worked out for the best. Once I have my car, I'm gonna be going to casinos regularly to play cash games when I'm not mtt'ing online. Can't wait! My GF is actually hoping on a plane on Friday and heading to Toronto for the weekend. Should be a fun weekend. She's leaving our dog with her old roommate because the traveling and change of surroundings is a bit tough for her. Sucks that I won't see her.

On Saturday, Goodfella and I went to his uncle's homegame with his friends. He asked us to come out and we thought it would be fun. It ended up being a really good time and we got to meet some of his friends. They were all very nice. The funny thing is that they kept calling us "professionals" as soon as we got there. They kept saying how we were there to take their money. Goodfella told them that he and I would be the first two to bust. I was sure of it too. It always happens when you're playing with family and friends. I was certain that we would be trying to smash each other and get blindsided by the others. Actually, we got in a hand right away when he raised UTG and I 3 bet him outta the SB with AsJs. Board came KKQ rainbow. We both checked and the turn brought the Ac. I checked again thinking he would bet no matter what. I planned on flatting the turn and bet calling the river unless it brought a Q. He checked behind and when the river came blank, I led out and he called. He showed AJ as well and we chopped the pot. What a fish. Anyway, it actually turned out great because we got heads up and chopped. The other guys were laughing about how fitting it was that we tied for the win after all the "professional" jokes. I went on to finish 3rd in the money in the second tourney. Professionals come through one time! Home games are the best. Nice to play stress free poker once in a while.

I planned on grabbing a bottle of scotch for the night. A fellow CR blogger, TheWrongOne, recommended a specific brand so I decided to grab it and try it out. I think drinking habits bring people together. Anyway, there was some kind of confusion about the brand and I ended up getting a bottle of McClellan's. I think it was Lowland (sp?) that he meant. Anyway, the shit I got was absolutely disgusting! It was ass water! Steve, who's house we were at, actually knew quite a bit about scotch and taught me a thing or two. Thanks pal. And also, he let me try some of his good stuff (Glenfiddich 30 Year). It was really good. Thanks again pal for a great night.

Yesterday, I decided to get back to MTT'ing. I started around 9am. I was taking standard suckouts for hours and hours. However, around 6pm or so, I felt like I was playing really well. I was feeling good about my decisions and was hoping to break through before the session was over. In the last tournament I registered for, I started running really well after the antes kicked in and was able to get my stack to over 150 bb's. I coasted into the final 4 tables. I was fortunate enough to see blue lights but ended up busting out in the first hand of the final table when I caught a cooler. UTG shoved about 13bb's and I ended up re-shoving with TT (25+bb's) on the BTN only to get called by the big stack in the BB who showed QQ. UTG showed 99. QQ held up and I was out in 8th place. Still felt good to see blue lights on my first day back. Pretty tired from a long 17 hour session so today I'll probably just chill and play a few tourneys late in the evening.

I should mention that in one of the rebuy tourneys last night, I played at the best table of all time. It was absolutely ridiculous. At one point, I had all the other 5 opponents noted with a either Yellow, Pink, or Orange Tabs (Fish, Reckless Fish, and Mega Fish). The Orange tabbed player was the greatest. This guy played 80% of his hands and top pair was the absolute nuts for him. At one point, I was ISOing him and value towning w/ 8K bets into 1,100 pots. On a board of KQ744, I led out w/ 3 over bets and was called by K8off the whole way by this guy. I had KK :/ He was great. The other fish at the table started to berate this guy. So amazing that a guy who called a UTG limp shove and showed 10h9h and made two pair to beat AA berates anyone. I was reading Kara Scott's blog the other day about how irritating it is that people berate fish. I agree that it is just the most retarded thing ever. It will never change though. People will always be too emotionally invested in poker. Just the way it is. And it was true about myself by the end of the session. At the final two tables last night, a guy just started smashing me in the chat when I blind on blind smashed with 6s4s and beat AK. I was laughing at first but this guy was just going off. I was super tired and a bit loopy and decided to tell him that he made a bad stack off with AK when he got smashed into having a 10bb stack. He just lost it after that. Eskal and another friend were sweating. At one point he turned to me and said, about my chat antics, "you're sooooo fishy". He looked so sincere. Oh well, they get to you sometimes... even though they shouldn't. When he got it in and was called by another player, I pretyped "Get some sleep, see you tomorrow sl ut" and clicked enter when he busted.

SOOOO FISHY.....

Right in the middle of it all, it was time for the WPT to make their 2nd appearance at Fallsview Casino in Niagara Falls. A few days before the event, I asked Goodfella if he planned on playing the sng satellites for it. He just kind of shrugged it off. I knew he felt a little awkward about going to play satellites when I was sitting at home in misery. I told him that he had to go. He had bubbled the previous year when some donk got it in against his AA and made a straight to knock him out 3 or 4 places outside of the money. I wasn't gonna be the reason why he would have to wait another year. He told me that I should just get out of the house and come with him. I didn't want to at all. Finally, with a little convincing, and because I didn't want to ruin opportunities for him, I said fukk it...I'll come. So, Goodfella, Mrs Goodfella, and I jumped in the car and headed to the casino. When we got there, Mrs Goodfella had to hold my hand so that I wouldn't walk right into the slot machines (thanks kid!). Although my vision was a tiny bit better, I was till fukked! Anyway, Goodfella played a 1K sng and got knocked out in 3rd or 4th I think. I saw a ton of people I knew from the city. Even though I couldn't see the looks on their faces, I could feel that they knew something was wrong with me. At that point, I didn't care. On the ride home, we were talking about the tournament series that was being held at Seneca Niagara Casino, just over the border about 10 minutes from Fallsview. We talked about possibly playing a few events.

A few days later, we left for Seneca. We planned on staying a few days. I still couldn't get around completely on my own but since Goodfella was there, it wasn't that big of a deal. We both registered for the $300+30 NLHE event. First place was 14K. I hobbled to my table and sat down. The whole while, I had to close my right eye in order for my vision not to be completely off. Then it happened. The first hand was dealt to me. I looked down at my hole cards with my right eye closed. I raised JJ in 3rd or 4th pos. I looked around to see the action and realized the only way I could see was to keep my right eye closed. With my left eye, I could tell that the other players were staring at me. I didn't know what to do. Here I was in a tourney and I couldn't even keep up with the action without looking like a complete idiot. I played like a rock for an hour or so. Mainly it because I didn't want to have to look up and be noticed for my one eyed antics. In time though, I got comfortable. The other players started paying attention to the table and one another. I remained card dead for about 4 blind levels. Looking back, it was a good thing. It gave me the opportunity to remain under the radar which made me feel more and more comfortable. When I finally needed to start opening up, I felt fine. I almost forgot how ridiculous I looked.

Anyway, when we got to 3 tables, I went on a heater and started accumulating a ton of chips. With 2 tables to go, I was the chip leader. I came into the final as a big chip leader. From there, I just knocked mutherfukkers out! I remember the first player I knocked out. I looked down at AsKs in the CO. It came to me folded around, or so I thought. I had well over 300K in chips. I made it 35K to go. I couldn't see with my right eye and so I had missed a limp. The button, sb, and bb folded and when it came back to him, after the longest time, he called. With blinds, antes, and my raise and his limp call, there was about 90K in the pot. The flop came QJx, one spade. He moved in his 30K stack. With a gutter, two overs, and a backdoor flush draw, and def getting 3 to 1, I snap called. He turned over KQ. I spiked and A and he was out. The guy couldn't understand how I called. I just laughed when he started complaining. Imagine a guy who limp calls more than half his stack with a 6.5bb stack at the final table complaining about what a fish I was. It was awesome! I wanted to say "Fukk you pal, I only got one eye!" Glad I didn't, that would have been weird I feel. I think I knocked out 5 or 6 people at the final table. Although there were discussions about chops, nothing ever went through. All of a sudden, we were 3 handed. I couldn't fukking believe it! In no time, the other two players got in a big hand and when it was over, I was second in chips and we were heads up! Immediately, the guy started talking about a deal. We finally settled on chopping 20K and playing for the extra 4K. We played about 20 hands. In the final hand, I raised with 7h4h on the button. He called and we saw a flop of 5x,6h,2h. He checked raise shoved my cbet. With the combo draw, I called. His 5,6 two pair held up and I was out in 2nd place earning me $10K. I picked up the cash, gave Goodfella his 10% (we always have 10% of each other in every tourney we play), and we got outta there. Ship it! For the first time since waking up with screwed up vision on a Sunday, I didn't think about MS and how fukked up my life was. It was nice.

Goodfella ended up final tabling the $500 NLHE event days later. A few days after we got home from Seneca/Fallsview, I started to get better. I wasn't completely recovered but I was doing a lot better. The fatigue wasn't as bad and I could see a little better. So, I started going to Fallsview and playing 5/5NL. For about a month, I killed it. During that stretch, my buddy Mack and I would hit up Fallsview Casino on the Canadian side, play a session, eat some good food, drive across the border and smash the living shit out of the 2/5 game at Seneca (Once, I made 7 buy ins in about half an hour. We were both sitting at the table in shock about how I was running like God.). The 2/5NL game there was super weak. Sometimes, after really good sessions, we'd go shoppping! LOL. Imagine two young guys wanting to go shopping together. lol. We'd buy so much random shit. Generally, we made a mess the whole time. It was a lot of fun. He actually lives down the street from me now and It'll be nice hanging out with Mack this year. He's a sick golfer too so hopefully I can learn a few things this summer. [Enjoy your cameo pal].

I heard about a tourney in the city with a $10K guarantee for 1st. The structure was not good and it was super top heavy but I didn't care, I was gonna win anyway! I was running good and super confident. I went there and was met by a lot of familiar faces. Although clubs were voluntarily shutting down and being forced to shut down, this club remained opened. I said fukk it and went to play there anyway. There was about 140 players I think. Guess who won? Ship the 10K. (Actually, it was 8500 I think cause of some chop arrangement.)

Within a week, I had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, wished for death, and almost won a fairly large live tourney with one good eye. For the next month, I had killed it playing 5/5NL and banked another good tourney cash. The poker success gave me something to focus on besides the disease. It made me want to think about the future and gave me something to smile about again. It gave me back hopes and dreams. Everybody needs hopes and dreams...

Ok..I have some shit to say. As you know, I'm a high school teacher by trade and because I'm not teaching right now I feel like I can't pass along useful knowledge to my students. Also, I miss them a lot. So, I guess I'll do it in my blog. Everything I'm about to say is obviously opinionated and If you don't agree or become bored or think I'm an idiot, quit me. Otherwise, listen up kids..

Tiger didn't get it done today. Critics always mention that his character is that of inhuman nature. Today, he made mistakes. Those mistakes were very costly and if he had just played decent, he had a legitimate opportunity to win the Masters, even after taking time away from golf for a considerable amount of time. If you believed that Tiger was "unhuman", today, he looked human. But that's not important. What is important is that there is a Tiger in all of us.

Tiger cheated on his wife, made huge mistakes, hurt people around him as well as fans who adored and looked up to him. I've always looked up to him. To me, he's one of the best examples of striving towards perfection. I really respect that quality about him. After his "transgressions" became public, a lot of people abandoned there belief in him. We like Tiger, make mistakes. I've made mistakes my whole life. Some of them have cost me dearly. Even today, I work towards recovering from the consequences of those mistakes. That's something Tiger will be doing for a long time. This Thursday, Tiger started that uphill climb at the Masters. All things considered, he did a great job. At the start of Sunday's round, he was in contention. That's a great accomplishment. Don't know if any other golfers in the PGA would have been in that spot under similar circumstances. I think that it is a testament to his constant strive for perfection.

Striving towards perfection is an amazing thing. Perfection is possible. Most importantly, we must realize that perfection is not about reaching a state of being in which we are mistake free. Perfection, to me, is the constant strive itself. It's the discipline and strength we must have to strive towards it.I feel like we don't do that enough as a society. I feel, sometimes, that I don't do that enough too. When we make mistakes, it's easy to stop striving towards perfection. Our mistakes make us question ourselves. They make us question our potential, ability, and strength. Because we constantly make mistakes, striving towards perfection is a concept that we often sabotage. It takes a lot of will power and self discipline to not only strive towards perfection but to overcome self doubt that results from our mistakes. It takes an enormous amount of strength to get back on track. Because of that, we limit our potential. But, we shouldn't! When we fukk up, instead of giving up on ourselves, we should be looking to pick up the pieces and move forward. We should jump right back on the striving towards perfection train asap, no matter how difficult it might be. If we thought about these things, it would make it easier for us to do. Thus, make it easier for us to be better.

Basically, it is my opinion that striving towards perfection is the best way to realize our potential and bring out the best in us. Furthermore, perfection is not about reaching a state of being. It is about the strive. After all, realizing our full potential and being the best we can be is the ultimate goal. We should all be striving towards perfection. It would make us better as people and better as a society. This is something that I conveyed to my students and I feel like it made a big difference in many of their lives, as well as my own. Instead of us trying to attack Tiger for his mistakes, doesn't it seem more beneficial for all of us to use him as an example to become better ourselves. I don't mean him and his character but what has happened to him. I think so..

Don't know if many of you will think that my take on this is worthy of being on this blog. Don't know if I articulated my thoughts clearly. I'm pretty tired from an awesome weekend. Yes, there was Scotch involved. There always is. And no, this is not the Scotch talking. At least I don't think so. For no good reason, I felt like saying this out loud. Forgive me if I have wasted your time. Peace.

2

Watching the Masters right now and so excited to see if Tiger can pull this off. Its only Friday but I don't see him being too far off the lead by end of round. Everyone has an opinion on the Tiger situation. I don't even think it should be a "situation" in the first place. I could care less about his personal life. I don't care about his marriage or what he chooses to do off the course. I love how people are so quick to make judgment as if they have never done wrong in their personal life. The only thing I can say bad about Tiger is that he was stupid for being so careless about banging all those women. Look, that doesn't mean I think that all guys can cheat on their wives/girlfriends as long as they don't let it get out. But, when you're a god in our society, you should probably be a little careful if you don't want to tarnish your image. Obviously, his image is something Tiger valued so it does make it ridiculously stupid that he was so careless. Other than that, I still think he's the man and in my opinion, he's the greatest athlete of all time. It would be so sick if he just comes back and takes down the Masters. What a way to make a statement. I'm still the shit...Nobody can touch me...Go fukk yourselves! One time Tiger, one time!

Other than that, I feel like a poker player who doesn't play poker. Just not playing enough right now. Don't know why. Maybe cause this whole Toronto life thing is still so new. Really need to get back to playing, specially live. I also need to get a fan cause it gets hot in my room at night and I'm having trouble sleeping. Talked to someone about a cheap way to have my car sent up to Toronto. Very good news! I'll have my golf clubs sent up with the car. A lot of people are on me to golf but I won't be golfing until my clubs come.

In my last blog (Part 6) I really talked about a whole bunch of things I've never talked about. Some people in my life were really surprised that I had never said those things to them. Just want them all to know that it wasn't because I intentionally held it back from them. I just buried that stuff, never to be thought of again... until I started typing my last blog. It is very therapeutic in a way.. this blog thing. Gets me to deal with emotions and feelings that I usually insta bury forever.

Another random thought... I think I'm becoming immune to Scotch. Is it so weird that I'm in love with a specific alcohol? I think it is. I should keep an eye on this. Actually, a Scotch would be great right about now to go along with Masters coverage and sweating Eskal's HU PLO session. Drinks up! Peace.

Thought I'd post a golf pic...

After crying like a bitch for half an hour, I never cried about it again. It wasn't the fear of the disease or what it would do to me that made me cry. It wasn't the fact that "it couldn't happen to me". It wasn't because the shooting pains and nerve pains were unbearable. It wasn't because I couldn't sleep at night when it actually felt like 5 inch nails were being hammered into my skull. Not because different body parts were numb each day or because I couldn't walk on my own. It wasn't even the fact that a lot of people with MS end up in fukking wheelchairs. It was because I was helpless. Throughout my life, like many others, I've faced one hardship after another. And honestly, as tough as times have been as a child and a teenager, I could always fight for myself. When we were broke, I hustled to eat. When my drunk father beat the shit out of me for fun, I hit him back. When no one understood me, I went out on my own. When I got locked up, I stayed strong, read books, and found a way (with the help of "The Autobiography of Malcolm X" and some very special Teachers) to change my life for the better. When my biological parents couldn't take my shit anymore, I found the greatest family on earth and became a part of it. With MS, there was nothing I could do. I just had to take it. I'm a strong person. But what can I say, some things make you crack. MS didn't just crack me, it cut me into pieces and I didn't know how to pick them up. The night of the diagnosis, Goodfella, his two brothers and Mrs Goodfella took me out to dinner. I had steak (New York - I hate NY cuts, if it's not ribeye or tenderloin..it aint steak). We also had that crab/artichoke/cheese flat bread and dip thing we used to smash at that spot. Anyway, we sat there and ate. We didn't really talk about the MS a lot at all. I think they just wanted to get my mind off of it. Bless them for it, but its all I thought about.

That night in bed, a million things went through my head. My family, friends, teaching, school, poker, girls, golf, partying, career, kids, a wife, traveling, and on and on. I thought about which things could be affected. I thought about how all of them could be affected. What if it got worse and worse? What if I couldn't teach one day or play poker or golf or pick up chicks or get married and have kids? What if I had to spend my 30's and 40's in a wheelchair? I fell asleep worrying about my life, uncertain about the future, and sad that this was happening to me. When I woke up, it was all gone...

The following day, "nothingness" started for me. Its the best way I can explain how I felt about any and everything. The way I felt about my life, my body, my present, and my future. All the worries were magically gone over one night's sleep. I didn't think about any of the things I mentioned before. When I tried to just think about something, I couldn't come up with anything to think about. Maybe this sounds bizarre to you but honestly, it was just "nothingness". So much of my body was numb, finally my brain and heart had become numb too. My vision was still fukked. My body was weak. I was tired 24 hours a day. I woke up, brushed my teeth and in a matter of minutes, it felt like I had been awake for 20 hours. My entire body was in pain. The shooting pains were bad enough to make me want to scream, cry, and jump off the balcony. I slept so much. I would sleep, wake up for a few minutes and go right back to sleep. I didn't think about anything. Really, I didn't care about shit either.

Looking back, it was the feeling of defeat that caused me to stop caring. Like I said before, I had overcome obstacle after obstacle. Some of them had been put in front of me by others and some were self inflicted. But no matter how battered and bruised I was both mentally and physically, I always found my way around them, over them, under them or sometimes, right fukking through them. This time around it was different. For years in Toronto, I felt like I finally turned things around from my teenage days and I wasn't just on the way up, I was there! I was proud of owning a business and making money and being around people I loved. When we had to shut down the club, a lot of that went missing in my life. I was angry that it wasn't my choice to do so. I was also sad I guess. Then, when I was sitting in hospitals and doctor's offices being told about my neurological disease, naturally, it just made everything worse.

I never said this to anyone before. Not one person. At that point, although it is something I'm ashamed of, I wished I was dead. It wasn't the disease on its own that made me feel this way. It was an entire life of always having to struggle. The MS didn't just bring physical and mental pain, it reached deep within me and pulled out every hurt feeling and horrible experience I had suffered. Finally, I didn't want to fight anymore. I was done. "You win" I thought. Don't know to who or what, but I was throwing in the towel. Enough is enough, fukk it.. "you win". There are so many people suffering so much pain in the world that would trade their lives for mine in a heartbeat. But at the time, I didn't give a shit about feeling this way. I felt like I was entitled to that feeling. Can you imagine? Feeling entitled to giving up. WTF. I didn't want to learn about the disease or figure out a healthy lifestyle to give me the best chance at a normal life. I didn't care about how I would tell my family and friends. I didn't care that people felt sad for me. Honestly, I didn't even care about them. For the first in my life, I felt and believed I was a victim. There was nothing I could do about it. Everything was nothing. I just didn't give a fukk...

On the bus heading back from Goodfella's parents house. They had me over for Easter and it was the best. I was there for exactly 24 hours and had a great time. Goodfella's younger brother Adam and I jumped on a bus at this time yesterday from Toronto and left for Guelph which is about 1.25 hours away. Goodfella picked us up and we headed to a friend's for a drink. After, we headed to his parents house where I was met with open arms (as always). I ate a quick snack and changed. We headed to a friend's house for some pre-drinks. We eventually went to a local bar and got home pretty late. I got to see a lot his friends and it was great!

This morning I woke up early with no hangover! I swear, scotch is the truth! Good scotch on the rocks keeps hangovers away. Try it! Anyway, Goodfella's dad and I shared a couple cups of coffee and more than a few cigarettes while having a great 2 hour conversation about politics, the education system, culture, and my decision to go to Law School in the near future. I always have the best life conversations with him. He's such an intelligent person with great insight. Really learn a lot from speaking with him and I'm always left thinking about the matters we discuss. Goodfella's mom also joined us for a while and was really supportive about my decision about Law School. Thank you. The love you show me is appreciated from the bottom of my heart. You're the best!

Goodfella and Adam woke up eventually and we all sat outside and enjoyed a beautiful sunny day. Uncle Gino and Mrs Goodfella joined us eventually and we talked about 400 different topics. It was great. We also got to Skype with a cousin and her husband and 3 beautiful little girls. They are way too cute! We sat down for Easter lunch and it was stupid good. Steaks, lamb, roasted potatoes, mushrooms, salad, and tortellini soup! Fukking amazing.

The best part of the day happened during the lunch conversation. Gino was talking about losing weight. I said that I wanted to get in shape really bad too! So, I suggested a prop bet. Within a predetermined time period, the winner had to lose more body weight percentage in relation to current weight. Furthermore, a stipulation was made that if one of us actually gained weight during the time frame, we would have to wash a car on the street in "sexy underwear" (Prolly a thong.. Ewww) and a t-shirt proclaiming to be the other's bitch! If I lose, I will have to flee the continent! We agreed on an 8 week time frame. If we both lose weight, the one who loses less has to take the other out for a steak dinner. And we wonder why the two of us need to lose weight! Now that I think about it, I think we should up the ante and add in some more costly consequences. I'll have to come up with some ridiculous things to add to the bet so we can stay even more motivated. In any case, It's on Gino. I'm gonna bury your fat ass!

Its about an hour into the bus ride. The guy next to me keeps shifting around and its pissing me off! Can't wait to get home, take a much needed shower and then bang out some mtt's. Really need to take one down. Been super deep quite a few times since I've been in TO but I think 3rd is close as I have come. Hopefully, ill have some hand history from tonight's tourneys up tomorrow. I gotta close my eyes and take a power nap until we arrive in Toronto. Riding this stupid bus makes me miss my car more than ever. Really need to have her sent up soon.

Hope everyone had a great safe Easter weekend. I had a blast. Thank you mama and poppa Goodfella! I love you dearly.

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Went to bed last night around 7:30pm. Why? Don't know. Woke up around 5am. Eskal got home from his session at an underground. Said he got coolered/crushed all night. We watched 2 episodes of The Good Wife on Sidereel and then I went to bed again around 7am. Just woke up again at noon. .......I'm fukked!

Between all that sleeping, I did a lot of random thinking. First of all, I really miss my family and friends back home in the US. Miss the gf and my mama and poppa, my big network of brothers and sisters, friends, and my boys. Most of all though, I miss my niece and nephew. Being so far away makes me feel guilty that I didn't go see them more. Don't know what you got till its gone I guess... :/

Olivia:


Jaxon:


I've also been doing a lot of thinking about the whole law school thing. I go back to the US in about a year. I'd like to be enrolled for the following year at a good school. If any of you guys have some opinions or info about good law schools, please leave a comment. I'm going to research the shit of schools so that I pick the right one for me. So, any help would be greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance. Been talking to a lawyer friend lately and I just can't stop asking questions. He's been pretty helpful. Thanks pal.

Another thing I thought about.. I gotta get in shape! I'm in the worst shape of my entire life. After grad school and taking on poker full time, I just stopped caring I guess. However....NO MORE! I've been going for long walks recently. Mostly because I don't have my car here yet but also because I'm sick of paying for cabs. I live right downtown and I found myself cabbing everywhere. Even for 10 min walks! That's a little ridiculous. You are right Mrs Washington! So.. for the last two days I walked everywhere. I walked to my barber shop, Best Buy, the patio dim sum place... everywhere. In April, if I can walk it within 30 mins, no cab! Also, I'm gonna go downstairs and introducing myself to the gym. A few years back, I lost a lot of weight doing a good combo of weights and cardio. I need to do that again. I also need to go and get groceries because it's way too easy to eat out in this neighborhood. Every type of food imaginable is less that 1 minute away. Damn I want some jerk chicken for lunch..fukk!

Eating poorly also ties into my lack of schedule right now. I either sit in front of the comp for 16 hours banging out mtt's or I wake up at random times and work on some other projects I have on the go. I also need to get some hand history going on my blog. I think I need to have 3 categories of blogs; Life, Poker, and Back in the Day. I haven't been posting much for my poker at all. Gonna get on that.

Now, I'm gonna check out the gym and then get some groceries. Have a good day guys. Peace.

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