I'm back. It's been a long time my friends, but I'm back. About six months I've spent away from the game. I know a lot of you have been wondering where I've been, some of you are surprised to see me back at all, and a few of you are wondering why I didn't get back to your marriage proposals. It's been a long time my fellow poker companions. I don't know where to begin.

Well, the beginning is probably a good place, so I'll start there. In December last year I got hacked for what I thought was $70,000. I got very sick with the flu as well, so I basically pulled the plug on my thoroughly hacked computer and wallowed around in a series of beds for about a month (because I'm retarded and don't believe in modern medicine). I was in Ohio at the time, and after coming back to Austin I thought I'd get back into the game once I was feeling better and the semester started. Around then I wrote some blog post to the effect of "whoo, I'm back, all is well in this dog is head world." Well, it really wasn't. I played a little here and there, I made a few pushes to try to get back into the game, but I realized that my head wasn't really in it. I would surge for a day or two, lose a little and find myself without the motivation to go back another day. It was kind of bizarre. I had never faced that before.

Since the beginning of my poker career back when I was 16, poker wasn't so much a hobby as it was a passion. I didn't have to try to put in time it just happened. When there was nothing else at the forefront of my mind, poker rose to the top and I'd find myself playing or studying the game. As I've written before, it was easy even when it wasn't easy. Poker was just a part of who I was. But now I could spend a day without poker, without even thinking about poker, and I was fine. In fact, poker became a source of stress in my life. I started to avoid it, and started to doubt myself.
Taking classes at UT and pursuing other things made it easy for me to not really apply my focus toward the game. I told myself "well, I'm just taking a break." A month became two, became three. Around then, I heard about some other hacking scandals that had surfaced in the high stakes world. I learned that around the time I was hacked, there were some other people I played who I lost a lot of money to in a short amount of time, but who I never thought to link to hacking. After seeing the names connected to the hacking ring, I learned that I probably was cheated out of about $200,000. At first that was kind of a relief, in a weird way - even though I knew it was extremely unlikely I'd get any of that money back (I got back a little), it told me: 'Well, it's not me; I wasn't supposed to lose that 200k," as though I could just wipe it from my mental record. But being hacked for 200K was more than just a relief. It became my excuse not to go back.

The truth is, being away from poker forced me to stop thinking of myself as a poker player. My personal evolution was no longer tied to how many buyins I won per month - I was faced with having to composite my own identity, without poker to encompass it. Rather than my mind being wound up on 2p2 drama or getting in the green on the month, I was spending my time just having fun, making new friends, exploring Austin and investing myself in interests I had once brushed aside. When you could make a thousand dollars a session, who has time for learning photography? Why spend time learning how to dance or taking improv classes? The identity I afforded myself made me rich, and yet it was one of scarcity. It gave me no room to genuinely explore who I am.

I started playing poker when I was 16. I mean, shit, my first three months I played five hours a day and was making a Chinese sweatshop wage. But by the time I was 17, I was worth more than 100k and suddenly everything was different. I wasn't just a kid mucking around on his computer anymore; my little hobby, my silly aspirations, and my muddled brain suddenly became important. Since then I have been a professional poker player. But I look around now and realize: I am an adult now. I've grown up. I don't know how or when or why, but apparently my boyhood is over.

Away from poker, I'm no one special. Just a clever kid with some money. But I have realized over these last few months what it is I want, and who I want to be. Poker plays a role in that, but it is no longer the focal point in my life. I won't claim that I've figured it out yet, or that I've ordered my life the way I want it. The road is not straight, and no one has it easy. But my challenge now is no longer to be the best poker player in the world. It is instead to be the best man that I can be, and poker plays its role in that.

Being away from poker for so long has refreshed me. I have a new perspective, a different sense appreciation for the game. And I'm working to carve out a place in my life for this game, rather than letting it carve out a place for me. I intend to go back in with more positivity and respect for what it is I do.

In short, I am back.

This is getting pretty long so I'll cut it off here. Stay tuned though, as I'll have more to write soon and there should be some very cool things in the pipes from me. Look out for me on the tables, and good luck to all you guys out there. To all who supported me cheered me on, and to all who hated and said I'd never come back - you're all awesome and I love you all. And if any of you bastards are in Austin and want to get a beer (non alcoholic of course), you're all welcome to hit me up!

Always love,
Haseeb, aka dogishead

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(Oh I just arrived in vegas for the first time two days ago so I'm gonna have to write about that soon!)