Last night a couple of the guys here at Yeshiva told me they were watching "Rounders," and though I always tell people I don't want to watch it (because it leads to the inevitable questions about poker and bad beat stories) I finally caved, hung out and watched the thing. I hadn't seen the movie in two years, but, wow....such a good movie.

It brought up a lot of memories about my days in the NYC underground poker scene. Though I never made the underground scene my primary game, there were months where I'd play live in the city 3-4 nights a week. I've won nearly all my largest pots in the NYC games, and lost by far my biggest pot in an NYC game (I got it in as a 2:1 fav, yay!). I remember playing $75 tournaments my Junior year of college, and somehow playing 25/50/100 by six months after college (lol).

Anyways, the movie got me thinking about taking shots versus playing conservative. My entire poker career I have been extraordinarily conservative. Any while I realize the movie is a Hollywood produced, hopes and dreams, reach for the moon type of story, I couldn't help but wonder if I played it too safe. Nearly all of my friends who became superstar poker players took major risks at some point or another in order to climb the stakes whereas I never really did. Hence why I also never really climbed higher than 10/20 while many of them moved up to 50/100 and higher :)

I was reminded of putting up $3,000 of my $5,000 bankroll for the EPT Deauville. Somehow cashing for $5,000. And winning a $100 Party tournament two nights later for $7,000. But then I remembered two weeks later, losing $1,000 for the first time in a single night. How it absolutely crushed me. How I nearly went to bed crying. I just don't think I ever had the stomach for losing that many of my peers do.

It's an interesting phenomenon...my roommate of two years David Paredes (Gaucho) was absolutely fearless. He had grown up relatively poor, yet managed to attend the best universities in the world. He'd run $500 into six figures and back down again. He once told me that he had no fear of playing higher stakes because he wasn't scared of going broke. He'd lived with nothing, and he knew how it felt, and he knew he could climb out of it. He wasn't scared of losing it all.

I, on the other hand, was so different. My parents taught me that every dollar was precious. When I had $5,000, I was confident I would be able to rebuild it (hence why I basically put it all on the line) - heck, that's a just months salary for most people. But when I would look down at $50,000 my entire perception changed. $50,000 couldn't be regenerated in a flash....in some senses I was paralyzed by my fear of losing it. In many ways, the greater my bankroll grew, the smaller my gambles became.

I've done well for myself, don't get me wrong. Even now I play $1000 and $2000 NLHE/PLO for "fun." (I mean I can't really consider myself a professional anymore...I'm a full-time Yeshiva student). But John Turturro's monologue did ring true to me - "Stones? You little punk...I've got stones enough not to chase cards, action, or pipe dreams of winning the World Series of Poker." So many talented poker players weren't able to manage their bankrolls, emotions, desires and went broke, or never developed their talents. In many ways, I'm deeply appreciative that I was blessed with so much control, even if I might've benefitted from additional fearlessness. No matter how you slice it, I made it into the upper echelon of poker players who have beat legitimate high stakes games for several years. And that's a heck of an accomplishment, even if I never made it to the top.

At the end of the day, I mostly play poker for money now...I don't have the same love. I played today for the first time in two weeks - I did well and had a couple of friends watching and cheering me on (which made it more fun). It's really funny to have your friends screaming at you to call or fold when they haven't got a clue what's going on. I do miss the days playing undergroud in NYC. Sometimes I miss walking out of a poker club at 730 in the morning after a 12 hour poker session, grabbing a bagel and cream cheese and going to bed for six hours. If I end up craving it, maybe I'll hop in a good NYC game sometime while I'm back home - soaking up the character of NYC, dozens of stories from around the city. But at the same time, I derive pleasure and fulfillment from far more than the card tables these days. Everything is a balance...I guess this is growing up?

Okay, hope you enjoyed my thoughts. Back to Yeshiva and the Jewish holiday of Purim (where we're commanded to get drunk!!!)...I gotta go put my costume together. Enjoy the weekend :)

Love,
Ezra