It's just been a tough month, that's all. If anyone has even spent two months working at the World Series of Poker (not playing), they might understand what I'm going through. It's more than just a burnout. It is an utter, and complete bodily exhaustion that makes you crave bed and solitude every waking moment. And yet, that is not an option. Each day brings more handshakes, more smiles, and new challenges.

I think that I could roll with two months in Vegas if I was playing for a living. Picking two events per week to play, spending a lot of time at the house by the pool, and hanging with a group of guys I really like. But working it is just so much more trying. Last summer I wanted to go home by mid-July, but it was out of homesickness. Not from the necessity of remaining sane.

It's just a tough town to work in. So much wealth. So many kids my age with small fortunes to call their own. I try not be jealous. Despite arguments to the contrary, it most certainly is fair. They've worked hard, spent countless hours honing a skill. And while it may have a negative expectation as regards future employment, they are the best at what they do. But it can still be taxing on me. A fairly competent kid, a winner at 5/10 and 10/20, but never a breakout star. I'm okay with that. I'm comfortable with my own abilities. It's just difficult to see so much wealth and opportunity around me, in an otherwise faltering economy, and not be able to take full advantage of it.

I try not to concentrate too much on money, but man, is it tough. To say that I am fortunate would be an understatement. My god. I am probably wealthier than 99.9% of 23 year olds in the world, I have a job that I am passionate about that provides incredible experiences, and I have a group of friends that I am proud of. I received countless text messages and phone calls after the passing of my grandfather. People cared. And that means so much to me.

But in this town, money speaks. I've had break-even June at poker which is annoying given that this is the best month of the year to run well -- in Vegas, having fun, etc. But it's hard to complain. I had big months in January, March, April, and May. Life is good? But I'm down huge in the stock market since May. Then again, who isn't? But it leads even more to this sentiment of frustration. I've been advised from everyone -- parents, relatives, friends -- that of every dollar I earn from this silly poker thing, that I should put half in the stock market. So I do. I have fantastic money managers -- guys who've returned year after year. And yet my results continue to be poor. I do my own research, and try to learn as much I can, but I'm not a professional. I will never understand a company the way that the people I trust do -- they speak to the management, ask questions on the conference calls, and scour the books. I don't have time for that. So I trust others. But lately it feels like I'm betting on something I simply don't understand -- because I don't. I would almost feel more comfortable using my money to back players in live tournaments (I would never actually do this) because I understand each specific tournament well enough to guage how soft it is, what their edge would be, etc.

With the stock market, it just feels like I'm shooting darts sometimes. I take people's advice, and assess how much risk I'm willing to take. That's one of the things I do best -- determine how much risk I want to expose myself to. And it's one of the reasons I'm not broke. And one of the reasons, why my losses aren't following the dow, dollar for dollar.

Anyways, back to my main point...I hate to focus on money, but it's impossible not to. I have everything I need in terms of material possessions. But I'm trying to get serious about purchasing a house/condo and it's not easy when your liquid capital is continually dwindling. Obviously, I'm still insanely well off, but I'm not sure I could stomach putting up $150k to get a down payment on a house.

Anyways, as you can see, I'm frustrated :( On the positive side, I've now had 4 people offer to stake me in the $10,000 Main Event, so that should be cool. I'm going to try to negotiate for the best possible offer, and will probably end up free-rolling with 25 or 30% of myself. Sadly, that's contingent on managing to get time off work. I would feel pretty bad hanging my staff out to dry, but at the same time, I've barely taken a single personal day in nearly 6 weeks out here. And I've never played the main event before. So I'm going to try and make it work. Making a deep run might make me feel a bit better.

Keep it real, ya'll.

Ezra