So a few days ago i thought i was over tilting then i did the biggest tilt of my short poker life.
Lol ok i laugh at it now but whats hilarious is ok this is my thinking in the hand. " There is no way i'm going to get squeezed here!! No fucking way. So before the flop came my plan was to flat two bets and ship any river. My thining was enless he has AK AA KK he will fold because we are 200bb deep LOL that has to be the funniest tilt thoughts ever. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok but beyond that i won about 1k$ today at 2/4$ And i lost probably 3k$ between tuesday and wensday. It started out with myself getting set over setted for the 4th time in 1000 hands. Then i lost a tptk flip vs a flush draw straight draw standard. Then i lost TpTK to a 4 high flush draw all in on the flop. And like i just lost my fucking mind... and the hand above happend and 1 other that was almost as funny. So all in all EV wise 1.5k$ was variance and 1.5K i tilted. What is intersting is i am still up 400$ at 400nl 6max this month at 2ptbb. I was running at 15ptbb which was outrageous and i was i think playing godlike however those 2 days i played like a complete idiot and it shows.. i lost back most my winnings. What is kinda stupid is that if i had not tilted i would have won like 2k$ at 2/4 this month with a winrate of like 8ptbb. I havent played that many hands but i really feel like i know a lot more about poker and i am a lot better. So anyhow yesterday i just sat for a long time thinking and stuff..... What i realized is that emotionally and tilt wise i am worse than everyone at 2/4$ i probably tilted 8k$ in the manner of the hand above. I mean my -10k$ equity is a great excuse but i talked to manish about it and he really put me in my place. Even with -10k ev over my sample i still should be break even if my ptbb winrate is 3-5ptbb so what this shows is that i can't handle downswings because i just freak out and give away a lot of money. If i play well through them my swings would have been way less. But in the end i'm not discouraged playing this sample of hands has giving me great incite into how the other good players at 400nl play and has showed me that i can easily win these games if i play my A game all the time... I mean after all this im still up its not much but its not even that its what i've seen of the players and the lines they take how they get value from hands. The call downs that they make that make me feel really good about my game because in the end i feel like i make better decisions than most the ppl at 400nl so i am keeping positive about that. But if i can't control myself it doesnt matter how much theory i know or if i know they are missing value, if i think they missed a bluff spot or if i think their play is exploitable. Because when im emotional i'm the most exploitable player ever so o well i'll continue working on this and what really is hard for me is. I don't know what i should do for a stop loss because if i lose 2 buyins and quit do i play later that day? My tilt ususally lasts 2 days... but since my tilt is so shitty sometimes i'll miss 1/3 of the month if i quit everytime i start to play bad. I dunno i need a way to fix the my tilt all together. Either way this downswing has made me feel more focused than ever because hey in my mind i am a +EV good player at 400nl but it doesn't mean shit till i prove it with more hands. And i will prove it! This limit has been for sure the hardest for me so far if i could meet 400nl in human form i would kick him in the nuts lol but in the end as much as i hate downswings i still love poker. =)
So today the bank transfer thing came back for FTP and i'm going to be cashing out 2.5k a week every week until i either have no roll left in which case i'll quit poker or ill just have mad money. I've been really lazy the last 2 months even though i'm learning i know i could be learning 5x faster. And being lazy.... well thats just isn't good enough... I remeber when i first met matt, jdell and manish we would be on vent all day and i would be none stop studying poker. I was playing 50nl and i put a bed and computer in the middle of the living room of the house i lived in by myself. I would wake up in front of my computer and my day would consist of taking a few steps to the bar at my house to eat a snack and get water, or going to the b-room beyond that i was playing poker. And i told myself then i am going to do this for a living. Everyone i told laughed at me.... a 25nl or 50nl player whos been playing poker 1-2 months just said hes going pro. I told everyone i will play 5/10 by this time next year and have $100,000 before i'm 21.... beyond that i remeber talking to matt a lot about leaving school. This all happend less than a year ago but time is flying fast, if i continue on my path of lazyness i will not be at 5/10 by my deadline and it won't be because i couldn't it will be cause i didn't(if that makes sense). In the end the reason why i thought a lot about my past is because i didn't quit school, give up my free time, basically dedicate my life to this game to fail. When i wrote this line.. the first thing that poped into my mind is "Tt! u didn't fail u made $!" but to me not fulfilling my goals because i'm lazy IS A FAILURE. Either way when i started i had a 1.5-2k$ roll and i had a hunger to do well and prove to myself that i could win at poker and support myself. Now that i can support myself if i wanted which i think cost 2k a month since i dont spend much, i've lost my drive .... and my hunger to get better at the rate i did before. So going back to my first statement I'm cashing out 2.5k a week till i have no money left this gives me a few months to either win or game over. I am going to give myself 4 free week passes since i've cashed out 7.5k already and have 2k$ worth of FPP. But in the end if i have 0 in my account after cashouts the dream is over... and i won't let that happen so i think i will work harder and only good things can come of this.
And i guess the last thing is i showed my graph to TC yesterday and he was like holy crap dude thats brutal. So he said this week hes driving home to SJ and hes going to give me a long long lesson and teach me a shitload. He said hes gotten 100x better and there are millions of things he can teach me because hes doing well. I'm really happy for him and i hope i can do better in the future with his help. I also hope that someday down the line i can repay him for being my mentor and guiding me the way he has.
Either way this post was long and a bit about my inner emotions and how i been feeling lately. I been thinking about school a lot but today i realized, i have a year of my life here to finish what i started. If i do what i set out to do and finish it then i can go back to school. Sitting here like a little bitch using school in my mind to make myself feel safe is just corwardly.
So to summarys my post to anyone who is like WTF did he just say here... what im saying is
FUCK WHAT YOU HEARD I'M TAKING OVER 5/10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ???...... you know who i am.. .... I'M FUCKIN HYBRIDTt
lol peace and gl at the tables.