Today marks the fifth or sixth time I'd say since the beginning of summer that I've lost more than 5figures in a week. It's extremely disheartening. When you play as much poker as I have, for the past six years of my life, losing continuously like this makes you miserable. I've invested so much time into the game that when I lose I like this, I truly feel like a failure. Not just a failure at poker, but at life. I feel like I've failed in existence, as a human being. Emptiness. Complete and utter emptiness.
When poker is all that you have, if poker goes bad, everything goes bad. Thankfully, poker is not all that I have. Unfortunately, it's just all that I do. I don't play basketball anymore. I don't read books. I don't walk around the city much at all. I hardly ever write anymore. Once fiery passions have fallen at the wayside. I do play poker, however. In a little more than 2months, this will be my third year in a row achieving supernova elite. This will be my third year in a row of playing at least 2.5million hands of poker. This will also be my third year in a row where i don't feel like I am successful poker player.
The funny thing is, my success in poker, or lack thereof, actually has very little to do with poker. Instead it has just about everything to do with the rest of my life, or lack thereof. I have more free time than anyone in their right mind could wish for. I'm 24 years old, healthy, and in good physical shape. But I don't do anything. I watch TV. I watch poker tube. I watch cardrunners videos, (until I get bored, and want to start playing poker.)
Poker has always been an addiction for me. When I won 250k in 06, It turned into an extremely profitable addiction. I've always told myself that to turn poker from a compulsive addiction into a successful profession, I have to maintain the same mind state whether I'm winning or losing. Yet I still am happy when I win, and upset when I lose. My friends may not notice this, as I mask my feelings from those who are around me well, I am after all, a professional poker player. However I can not mask them from myself, and they take their toll.
The world is such an enormous place. There is so much out there. I see this when I am home in long Island, or walking around the city. When I am in my room, playing poker on my computer, the world is a very small place. There is a bed. A desk. A computer. Some clothes. This is the world. There are no people. Just avatars, with numbers under them. There is no sky. Just a hyper simple background theme.
I am 24 years old. I have been a professional poker player for 5years now. I support myself and make a good deal more than most of my friends do. Technically, I have more freedom than just about anyone I know. However, when I look back the past five years of my life, I see a dimly lit room, a computer screen, and a poker website. There might be an ounce of some really good weed sitting around somewhere in there. I have been sober for 8months now, but the dimly light room is still very much a part of my life.
I don't want this to be my life anymore. I want to experience this huge wonderful world we live in. I want to meet new people. I want to work with children. I love kids. I want to spend time with dogs. I love dogs. I want to fly somewhere, not to play a poker tournament. I want to rap. I love rap. I want to play basketball, and football. Maybe some ultimate frisbee too. I want to snowboard. I want to swim in the ocean.
I also want to continue to play poker. But if I cannot figure out a way to do all of these things as well, then I think that this game is no longer for me.