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Some interesting changes this year in my life in the sense that, with
almost everything I've embarked on this year, I've gone solo. I don't consider
myself like a loner or whatever. I don't think I ever have been one and I don't
think I am right now, but if someone told me that things were heading that
direction it sure would be hard to argue.
In September I came back to school having just arrived back from a summer with
my 4 best friends in Chicago and having just ended a 3 year relationship, possibly
the exact opposite of a lone wolf for the preceding period. My best guess was
that it would be a transition phase where I make plans for the following years
and build new relationships etc. It's not really been the case.
Just under one year later I'm in Las Vegas having left on my own. I've not
really spoken to anyone regularly aside from my friend Rory. I haven't really
had the desire to keep in touch, and anyone I have spoken to the conversation
has felt irrelevant. I made a
choice to get out of Ireland on my own and you gotta know loneliness is par for
the course.
Pretty sick that my dad works a job that means he has to spend Monday to Friday
of every week away from the family. Gotta be tough and I'm sure I look upto him
for that, but despite all his warnings about the solo life and all his advice,
am I unconsciously trying to emulate him?
My plan for the rest of summer is to go to France for a week and then go to
London alone for a month, why I do this to myself is beyond me, it only
occurred to me today that I've purposely created this separation myself between
my life at home and my day to day and I'm not sure why I push to keep it there.
I'm not self loathing in any way, I feel very lucky to be where I am and I'm
still confident and comfortable in my skin and in this exotic setting. Still
plenty of questions to ask myself though: Why things have panned out like that
have? What my real goals are past one year from now and how should I go about
achieving them? Am I really ok just pressing self destruct on my life right now
as it is, or should I embrace things and be less ambitious / more relaxed day
to day?
It's Main Event week and the feeling of ending and re-birth is everywhere.
People be like 'another year' and all this stuff like 'see you in 10 months
vegas' ahhhhh stop making a big deal you pricks. Get me down a little bit, but
onto the next one I go.
Crash
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