Lately poker has been insanely frustrating. My mood has sadly been largely based on the daily wins and losses of my playing. If I make a few errors and have a losing day I stay depressed most of the day. If I play well and have a winning day, my day goes good. If I can't get my emotions in check, I will likely have to give up poker. It's really quite pathetic and pretty embarassing to have played as much poker as I have and still depend on the day to day tallies for my happiness. I'm sure many people go through something similar at some point in their career, it's just weird to realize how long it's been going on for. I've had to give up weed, because it was hard to stay sane with it, but I'm finding it hard to stay sane without it, because it used to help ease the pain of individual losing sessions.

I'm considering marrying my girlfriend and I go through different feelings each day. One day I feel like we need to get married asap, other days I don't want to get married for years. Same thing with having kids. Some days I think it will be great for me and give me the appropriate distraction from my happiness relying on Erin, and other days I think I need to be perfectly happy and content before having kids. I'm going to have to research this topic to find some answers and see what the experts think. Some days I think most of the reason I'd want to get married is because I feel too much societal pressure to have kids outside a marriage. Other days I think getting married might be a huge dead end, because what if we grow apart and our needs grow apart too? Sometimes that doesn't make sense, because the more time I spend with Erin, the more our needs and wants converge into the same thing.

I've found I hate going to bars and much prefer relaxing at people's houses and just talking, drinking, and playing games. When we go out, it's too fucking loud and I can only hear the 2 or 3 people sitting directly next to me, and I end up only talking with a few people. I don't know why anyone likes bars. Maybe it's just because I'm deaf, but who knows.

I'm reading this book Life's Greatest Lessons: 20 Things That Matter, and I have to say, it's pretty amazing. It really teaches you to be happy. I'd highly recommend picking this book up if you have problems finding true happiness. Most of the advice in the book is "no duh" advice, but reading it and taking it to heart is a great way towards actual happiness. People will like you more if you have read this book.