Diary of a Manic Depressive Man: Part 3-Thoughts on Happiness

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captZEEbo's Blog

October 22 2007

Diary of a Manic Depressive Man: Part 3-Thoughts on Happiness

Poker yesterday went awful. I tilted and played 300/600NL with scared money vs LarsLuzak. What a terrible idea. I overplayed midpair on the turn and lost a buyin which is a shitton of money to me. Hopefully in the future, I will become better wrt tilt management.

I just got back from my vacation to San Antonio and Corpus Christi. People from Corpus Christi are among the nicest people I've ever met. They all treat eachother with respect and general kindness. They are really friendly to strangers. I got paid about 5 compliments from strangers in the 2 days I was there. I met some cool people on this Texas Treasure boat trip we took. They had No Limit Texas Hold'Em $1/2 NL on the boat and I played it for awhile. Normally I wouldn't want to do this, but my girlfriend loves watching me play live (cha-ching). The people there were pretty bad. I made $5 dollars in 5 hours of gambling (thanks $5 blackjack bets to get even :) ). The bad part was I got really sea sick and threw up 4 times in 30 seconds. The worse part is that I was trained to not make a mess when I was growing up, so I threw up twice in my mouth and reswallowed it before I found a garbage can. A little bit later I had the clearest pee I had ever seen in my life. It was somehow more clear than water. We did this River Walk thing in San Antonio and it was pretty awesome/beautiful. My girlfriend took like 1000 pictures too, because she just replaced her broken camera and had an itchy trigger finger. While in Corpus Christi we saw this dolphin show that was amazing. I have to say dolphins are among the coolest animals of all time. They were playing CATCH with some big ball. If I ever get really rich, I'm going to buy a dolphin.

Another thing happened in Corpus Christi was I met this homeless man. My old thoughts on homeless people are still fairly true. NEVER give money to a beggar. It encourages them to not fix their own problems, and encourages them to make average citizens uncomfortable. Anyways, we asked this guy to take our picture on the beach (with the Gulf of Mexico in the background) and he took a nice photo of us. After that he asked us if we could help with two dollars. I went back to my car and grabbed two bucks for him because he was so friendly. He was very honest and open and said he just wanted somebody to love. We were kind've scared and walked like two blocks on the beach so he couldn't follow us or if he did we would see him coming (remember, homeless people are scary). Erin got stung by a jelly fish on her butt and stomach and me on my hand and stomach, so we were afraid of the water and went back. On the way back to the car, the guy approached us again and asked if we believed in the Christian God. I told him I don't really believe in the Christian God, but told him I believed in some god that controls the universe and there likely is parallel universes. More in a watchmaker aspect than one that interacts with his creation. I also mentioned some stuff about macroevolution too. We got to talking, and he was saying how desperate he wants someone to love, and I told him the best way to do that is to get another job (he worked 1 weekend day a year), because our society is very materialistic and girls pretty much require it. I told him to find a church and start going regularly and meeting people and having them help himself get a job. We talked for about 15 minutes, and I could tell he had a great personality and I have hope for him succeeding. My modified view on homeless people is only give them money if you show them love too. A great way could be taking them out for a meal and chatting with them to try to validate them. Some of them just lack any confidence in themselves, and by helping them figure out a path for themselves where they can visualize success, it really helps them more than blind money does. Blind money just hurts them, because it perpetuates the problem. If I had more time, I might try to follow up, but I was pretty busy.

Today's ramblings from before the hospital stay is entitled "Some thoughts on happiness":

Things to be happy about?

erin (my girlfriend)
cali (my dog)
family

-treat yourself like you would a pal. remove negative thoughts
-don't think negative things

everyone should be who they want to be

I Am not I Will = never say you are GOING to change, just CHANGE.

we need to stop being slaves to money. everyone is being a slave to advancing the human race. we need to step back and figure out if that's what we really want. do we ultimately want humans to live longer and prosper or do we want to be happy with what we have?

"if we understand the power of generosity to create happiness, we would never sit down to a meal by ourselves"

if i have thoughts like i don't have time, i don't have money, it might be awkward. practice ignoring it. go with the inclination that a lonely friend would love an invitation to dinner, elderly aunt would love a phone call, a coworker could use a cup of tea.

i was initially drawn to erin because she based her life around love and emotion. erin was drawn to me b/c i based my life around logic and money. i am starting to try and overpower her to become centered around logic and money. she is smart enough to understand logic and money so it's a natural target to try and prey on. money does not equal happiness though. productivity and advancement of the human species is not happiness. it's a pathetic life of self-loathing and hatred. Everything about america deals with advancement of the species at the expense of making ourselves and money god. everything like shame, ads, tv, govt, operates in order to make money and advance the species. if we do this we will become slaves to money (if we haven't already) and this is bad. The only way to be happy is if we do not continue to be slaves to money.

I USED TO TAKE PLEASURE IN THE SUFFERING OF OTHER PEOPLE AND THINGS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ADVANCES THE HUMAN SPECIES. Money represents the suffering of other people because it is always achieved out of evil?

is there such a thing as clear cut good and evil? It just depends on what you think of those situations? Can money be used for the greatest good?

pay attention to what you're doing when you have a smile on your face

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128 Views | Comments(9)

October 22,2007

Wow, insane blog post lol made my head spin

Asheh

October 22,2007

nice blogs zeebo, u makin it to any live tournies soon?

cya around
Cole

cts

October 22,2007

i dated a girl for awhile who was manic depressive. take care of yourself and i wish you nothing but the best.

epdog

October 22,2007

Interesting again Zeebo. Most homeless people I have come across appear literally "crazy", or so dirty that I don't know if I could handle taking them out for a meal. I like your approach though, even if I'm not sure I could do the same thing at this point in my life.

idiotex

October 22,2007

i wouldn't go too far in the anti-money view as a metaphore for al evil. That is too simplistic imo. When i read this (and i liked it, so no offence)i notice you try to point out 1 villain to blame all bad things on (money/logic).

Money is just a symbol for economy, and economy brings structure. Without structure no society can hold, people will live in chaos (or a simplistic life) and welfare (in the wider interpretation of the word) declines rapidly because without money-currency/economy/structure, cooperation will be impossible, and that is what human specie separates from the animalworld nowadays. Money doesn't represents suffering imo, it represents structure. Only when are lives are polarized towards making as much money as possible, negative effects will occur (like in america and in most western countries). This though, is no reason to believe money causes suffering. It is the fact that humans will always try to achieve higher levels of power and evolution. This is one of the reasons that we are still around and havent been exterminated i guess.

In my opinion it is all about balance. I agree that money can bring alot of bad things, but in my opinion a strong economy is the basic for a good society. Like the example with the Bum you gave. If he would participate in the economic proces on his own level he would probably achieve more happiness. Therefore i think you shouldn't look for evil cause the evil is caused by the fact that people are abusing the economic system. Instead you should perhaps try to look how too balance your own life within the system, sothat the system/money brings you happiness as it should.

ok..this was very long...i know my english writing suchs so i'm sorry for all grammer mistakes i just made.

Hans

La Mano

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Comment	i wouldn't go too far in the anti-money view as a metaphore for al evil. That is too simplistic imo. When i read this (and i liked it, so no offence)i notice you try to point out 1 villain to blame all bad things on (money/logic). Money is just a symbol for economy, and economy brings structure. Without structure no society can hold, people will live in chaos (or a simplistic life) and welfare (in the wider interpretation of the word) declines rapidly because without money-currency/economy/structure, cooperation will be impossible, and that is what human specie separates from the animalworld nowadays. Money doesn't represents suffering imo, it represents structure. Only when are lives are polarized towards making as much money as possible, negative effects will occur (like in america and in most western countries). This though, is no reason to believe money causes suffering. It is the fact that humans will always try to achieve higher levels of power and evolution. This is one of the reasons that we are still around and havent been exterminated i guess. In my opinion it is all about balance. I agree that money can bring alot of bad things, but in my opinion a strong economy is the basic for a good society. Like the example with the Bum you gave. If he would participate in the economic proces on his own level he would probably achieve more happiness. Therefore i think you shouldn't look for evil cause the evil is caused by the fact that people are abusing the economic system. Instead you should perhaps try to look how too balance your own life within the system, sothat the system/money brings you happiness as it should. ok..this was very long...i know my english writing suchs so i'm sorry for all grammer mistakes i just made. Hans

October 23,2007

from reading your old blog i always thought you were a very smart guy. I never really knew how much of a thinker are, however, until reading this post. i like it, you could even be a better philosopher than poker player imo, rip

rtg6969

October 23,2007

this is the best shit I've ever read Zeebo post..please dont stop.

Ironically all the pain/suffering you exorcised in your recent mental state has led to some beautiful ephiphanies.

I have pursuing purely monetary satisfaction in my mid-aged life and it has not been one bit fullfilling ie lack of deeper things like love and more friends..I also have finally started to realize I must take my life in a diffrent direction.

I hope it's not just the medication talking but you definetly onto something bro.

tc

jalama

October 23,2007

Le Mano,

I'm probably not totally clear on my opinions, but I too view religion, govt, money, gender, and any other institution as a necessarily evil currently. These institutions are only necessarily UNTIL people become self-actualized enough to realize that they don't need these institutions to be happy.

Jalama,
The bottom half of my diaries of a manic depressive man were all written prior to my breakdown, and I was heavily induced on weed and also having no sleep.

captZEEbo

October 29,2007

As far as the homeless go i think your current perspective is far improved from the previous. Although there is a wide variety of homeless people out there. Many are very intelligent people who don't function well in todays world, for whatever reason you want to come up with. I think under examination anyone's definition of lazy would loop regressively. By that I mean one could argue laziness is the blossom of a root problem(super structure of todays society). My view is polarized for effect but you get the point. Either treat homeless people as people, or kill them. But don't walk around boxing people up into with some ego-intelligent perspective.

As far as money goes. I think that discussion has to begin and end with discussing what exactly money is, and not just theoretically. Money in use in today's world isn't simply a medium of exchange. So yes, you can loop into a society/species advancement perspective. However, I think you may have just read too many second rate perspectives on evolution.

I really enjoyed reading about your perspective on the culmination of the human race into "god" form. As well as your thoughts on world development.

Recommended reading Godel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter. Anyway a infinite dialectical dichotomy conflict is manifesting itself. By that I mean you are percieving different perspectives, but your method of understanding them is leading to an inherent conflict. By defining/classifying/juding things to be a way in order to move on in an argument(or cosmo mind fucking/penis probing as one comment said...loved that post if you missed check it out). However, by allowing yourself to move through an argument with that definition it will lead to a conflict within the conclusion of that argument. As is laid out in much great detail in Godel, escher, bach; this example can offer a clear example of what I mean. I will offer a statement, This sentence is not true. I'm sure you can recognize this is meaningless or any meaning loops into what one can only call the "opposite" or negative image truth. If it is not true then the sentence is true if the state were true it could not be because it is staying that it is not true.

I've been rambling but now I don't know the point anymore. I guess read the one post that advised not using your brain for mental probing/fucking around the universe. That reminded me of my recent feelings regarding people's introspection/using thought to move on. It seemed to me that internally you have a basic perspective that is irreconcilable with current externalities in your environment. When it comes down to it we're all just humans.

Don't get too caught up in false dichotomies of thought. Like negative and positive emotions. If you search for positive you'll be running from negative feelings. I believe a desire "to be happy" comes from nothing intrinic except some discontent that you are not confronting/dealing with by trying to be happy. There is no "need" to be happy. Happiness is a mechanism developed to shelter fragile psyches from reality. Accept the world for what it is and then you will be free to do what you want naturally and freely. Instead of pursuing some false ideal. There is no happiness without sadness love without hate these all occur together by necessity and definition. However, they do not occur necessarily or definity. It must be noted that definitions of these words vary greatly.

Its like when someone asks, "how have you been" and I reply good automatically and then conclude actually I haven't thought about that lately. Whats the point? No matter what I decide whether I am happy or not artificially whether through a circuit of logic or emotion I still continue to do what I would have done otherwise. Kill time til all time

JahDoos

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Comment	As far as the homeless go i think your current perspective is far improved from the previous. Although there is a wide variety of homeless people out there. Many are very intelligent people who don't function well in todays world, for whatever reason you want to come up with. I think under examination anyone's definition of lazy would loop regressively. By that I mean one could argue laziness is the blossom of a root problem(super structure of todays society). My view is polarized for effect but you get the point. Either treat homeless people as people, or kill them. But don't walk around boxing people up into with some ego-intelligent perspective. As far as money goes. I think that discussion has to begin and end with discussing what exactly money is, and not just theoretically. Money in use in today's world isn't simply a medium of exchange. So yes, you can loop into a society/species advancement perspective. However, I think you may have just read too many second rate perspectives on evolution. I really enjoyed reading about your perspective on the culmination of the human race into "god" form. As well as your thoughts on world development. Recommended reading Godel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter. Anyway a infinite dialectical dichotomy conflict is manifesting itself. By that I mean you are percieving different perspectives, but your method of understanding them is leading to an inherent conflict. By defining/classifying/juding things to be a way in order to move on in an argument(or cosmo mind fucking/penis probing as one comment said...loved that post if you missed check it out). However, by allowing yourself to move through an argument with that definition it will lead to a conflict within the conclusion of that argument. As is laid out in much great detail in Godel, escher, bach; this example can offer a clear example of what I mean. I will offer a statement, This sentence is not true. I'm sure you can recognize this is meaningless or any meaning loops into what one can only call the "opposite" or negative image truth. If it is not true then the sentence is true if the state were true it could not be because it is staying that it is not true. I've been rambling but now I don't know the point anymore. I guess read the one post that advised not using your brain for mental probing/fucking around the universe. That reminded me of my recent feelings regarding people's introspection/using thought to move on. It seemed to me that internally you have a basic perspective that is irreconcilable with current externalities in your environment. When it comes down to it we're all just humans. Don't get too caught up in false dichotomies of thought. Like negative and positive emotions. If you search for positive you'll be running from negative feelings. I believe a desire "to be happy" comes from nothing intrinic except some discontent that you are not confronting/dealing with by trying to be happy. There is no "need" to be happy. Happiness is a mechanism developed to shelter fragile psyches from reality. Accept the world for what it is and then you will be free to do what you want naturally and freely. Instead of pursuing some false ideal. There is no happiness without sadness love without hate these all occur together by necessity and definition. However, they do not occur necessarily or definity. It must be noted that definitions of these words vary greatly. Its like when someone asks, "how have you been" and I reply good automatically and then conclude actually I haven't thought about that lately. Whats the point? No matter what I decide whether I am happy or not artificially whether through a circuit of logic or emotion I still continue to do what I would have done otherwise. Kill time til all time

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