In case you were wondering why I haven't been online lately, it's because I was admitted to a looney bin. I was smoking a lot of weed and sleeping approximately 4 hours a night for about a full week. This triggered some insane moods (literally) and the breaking point was when I gave the love of my life an ultimatum: "Leave everything behind and come with me to Sweden or you can't be with me anymore." My fear that the United States became a police state and too much control of the internet created this ultimatum. I thought I saw the future and that we'd be nuked within 2-10 years. I was absolutely convinced of this and Erin (my girlfriend) agreed to go to the airport with me. Little did I know of her "devious" plan: take me to the emergency room and get my head wired straight.

I will describe what the looney bin was like towards the end of this tale, but for now, I'm going to start copying and pasting my ramblings from a few days prior to the hospital. Even though I was on the brink of insanity, I think a lot of my thoughts were clear and important (b/c I have a huge ego problem), but they might be hard to follow, because I'm not a professional writer, I'm a professional mouse clicker.

Anyways the first page of thoughts is entitled, "Thoughts about Business and Love." Feel free to comment on it.

you know what I realized
I think I was so capitalism minded
that I viewed people that weren't good at making money
as like a personal offense
on me
b/c I'm so monetarily connected to the world and not as emotionally connected
like in reality
anyone not working harder
than me
or harder than my imaginary level of minimum
I felt was like not trying hard enough to make me happy
almost
b/c every human is like one cog in the chain of my happiness or something
and people that like tried to hurt me monetarily were like disregarding me as a human
like if someone tries to harm me monetarily
they see me as a use to them more monetarily than emotionally
and therefore i hate them
and i think that's why I have/(had) such a spiteful/hating attitude of poor, uneducated people, and businesses that I thought were in it ONLY to take my money and not to help me
b/c i saw them as people that were living just to take my money
poor people b/c of the government subsidies or whatever
and uneducated, b/c they don't businesseses grow as much
and I saw uneducated like as a choice more than anything
so they were CHOOSING to not help humans
when in reality they were just CHOOSING not to help business?
and help other areas of life
intsead of business
so I'd see businesses in it for me and not my money
as businesses that offered the CHEAPEST price available on a product
and now i realize that's why I'd go to such great lengths to find the cheapest products there are
b/c I was like choosing to help people that had similar ideals
of not fucking humans
and like
remember that situation with my dad
that I posted about
now one of the comments that was said
I didn't realize how big of an effect it had on me
someone said that he was using your emotions as a son to get your business and your money by charging you super high rates
and it hit home so strong
that i was almost willing to cut off all ties with him
based on it
and I think I still might do it
just thinking about it again makes my blood boil
oh yeah when I said "when in reality they were just CHOOSING not to help business?"
there's also a huge element of luck involved too
and I didn't mean to imply that like poor people are poor by choice or anything like that
b/c luck is the biggest factor imo
and like desire only makes up a small %
of class change
oh yeah
but you've probably seen me to do pretty cheat systems to businesses
and I feel kind've guilty about it
but the way I was justifying it in my head was like...anyone that's charging me prices too high is clearly is completely detached from me and now it's a game of poker to see who gets the most money out of the transaction
with the govt being the rake
it's like such a fucked up way to look at life
but I think there's an element of truth to it
that everyone does
they just don't view a lot of situations the way i saw them
but if the situations were extreme they would
I've made a comparison as to how it happens and that my thoughts are a fundamental truth
like the mom and pop store vs walmart
like people will continue patronizing mom and pop stores
of people they know in town
until someone comes along and offers you a deal to good to pass up
and then view the mom and pop store as almost like assholes
for charging you that much money
and like
anyone that charges you that much money doesn't have your best interest at heart
and like we've never truly valued mom and pop stores
we've always saw them as business entities
and as soon as something better comes along we drop it
and I think the problem with anarcho capitalism
is that it makes all human transactions based on money
and greed
ie a false happiness
like business that run the best
have always based on giving consumers happiness
and one of the reason open source works so well
(open source programming)
is because everyone gets together and works on a product out of love for the community and love for the project
and hatred of money
er, the greedy companies that are taking too much money
for something that should be free in the eyes of the community
so the community makes something free for the community
and that's the reason govt fails
is b/c they aren't in it for the community but for themselves
and businesses that aren't in it for the community but for the money jockey for position with the government
and influence the govt based on money
same reason wikipedia is the best encyclopedia
like a product by the community for the love of the community and product will ALWAYS beat everything else
when money enters the equation love necessarily exits
and is why waitresses
who are the most at the whim of money
and prostitutes
who are at the whim of money
serve you
for money and not love
so it's not good
er it's fake, rather
and it's almost transparently fake