Lately I've been playing mostly $2/4 NL hu and enjoying it. I'm pretty much giving up on being a great high stakes player. The strategy is too tough for me to compete with anymore. I enjoy HU and will play it until I can't beat it anymore. It's really sad to admit that but maybe someday I'll get my skill level back up again. I've been phasing out poker for the past few months and will probably end up joining the work world within two years. I have to find some field that's a good outlet, and sadly it might end up being a high school teacher teaching kids that don't care at all about what I have to say. My other option is this field in Memetics which is kind've like the study of cultural information. It seems really interesting to me since most of my life has been watching tv/movies and listening to music.

I've realized that I've almost completely isolated myself from people and have forgotten how to communicate with them. I've turned into a forum poster in real life situations. I only add to the conversation when I feel confident my idea is somewhat important and not said yet. Real life talking is more like a huge barage of unimportant talk meant to fill up awkward silence. I'm probably being too hard, because I like to debate deeper issues and barely care about making emotional connections with people. One of my other new goals is to try and being able to have fun talking with people sans alcohol.

As the year is winding up and my birthday being in January, I'm staring to realize how fast life is going. Seems like just yesterday I was a care-free kid in high school having "great" times. Now the descent into adulthood has added a whole heap of new invented problems that are hindrances on happinness. So many new expectations from family that I never cared about when I was younger. So many new pressures from a serious girlfriend. So many health issues that didn't matter when I was young. So much difficulty making friends as an adult with no social connections. I long for escapism and hate myself when I'm living in a child fantasy world when I should be embracing adulthood.

Also, do people enjoy working 40 hours a week, barely having any free time of their own, or do they dread every minute? The people that enjoy it...are they lying to themselves? The only people that estimate to not hate their lives are the people that would HONESTLY do their exact job as a hobby for the same 40 hours a week. I would have to guess that it's a very small minority of people that truly would. Wouldn't everyone rather just relax, hang out with friends/family, etc?

I'm finding that I've switched my poker goals from love of the game to love of money. Ever since then, I've only been able to motivate myself via negative-self talk and it's really wreaking havoc on every area of my life. I'm now understanding how important life balance is. Maslow's hierarchy of needs is directly related to finding balance in my life. I ask myself what am I missing the most and where am I trying to overcompensate in other areas. I've been missing out on a deep connection with family members for so long, that my television interests are trying to supplement them. My favorite shows as of lately have been Frasier, Yes Dear, and Everybody Loves Raymond. All shows that deal with families that don't have it together, but spend lots of time with eachother and love eachother despite what they say. I've realized I've never really made big connections with them. There's a few major problems: the distance (all my immideate family lives about 3 hours away), the lack of history (we never really talk deep before), and the lack of common interests. How can anyone maintain close enough relationships with their family when they seem them once every two months? I'm finding your body is really smart, and the only way to be happy is to communicate with it properly. I'm considering starting a meditation routine and get in touch with my inner self.

I'm also realizing that tilt-free poker comes from being fulfilled in all areas and only using positive self talk as motivation. Negative self-talk: why am I so stupid, I got knocked out of the FTOPS event #10 in 44th place b/c I shoved with Q6o preflop after a raise, is the kind of talk that just affirms you are stupid. It's completely detrimental to your overall happiness to telling yourself you're stupid. You should treat yourself like you would treat a best friend. Any errors you make on the poker table are OKAY and great. Identify them and be happy that you found a place to grow as a poker player. Review them and identify them for what they are. Review them like you'd review a peer. No reason to be harder on yourself than anyone else. Some of these ideas are probably painfully obvious for happy poker players, but I'd be willing to wager there's a lot of poker players that try to get too much of their identity as a great poker player. I'm a lot more than just a poker player, and I need to work on most of other parts of my identity even more. I don't have meaningful relationships with most of my family. I'm starting to think many people don't have close relationships with their family, and they supplement that missing part of their psyche with many false happinesses.

I'm starting to think identity is one of the biggest problems in the world today. People have a hard time identifying who they truly are. Identity is stopping as individual identity and has become the sum of 1000 pieces of consumerism. Look at how people generally identify themselves. We're a facebook society, and we're identified as the sum of our pop culture interests, with a slight amount of collective beliefs (politics and religion). The problem is each group has been identified and everyone desperately tries to fit into the group. The funny thing is other people tell each group what to think.

Lately poker has been insanely frustrating. My mood has sadly been largely based on the daily wins and losses of my playing. If I make a few errors and have a losing day I stay depressed most of the day. If I play well and have a winning day, my day goes good. If I can't get my emotions in check, I will likely have to give up poker. It's really quite pathetic and pretty embarassing to have played as much poker as I have and still depend on the day to day tallies for my happiness. I'm sure many people go through something similar at some point in their career, it's just weird to realize how long it's been going on for. I've had to give up weed, because it was hard to stay sane with it, but I'm finding it hard to stay sane without it, because it used to help ease the pain of individual losing sessions.

I'm considering marrying my girlfriend and I go through different feelings each day. One day I feel like we need to get married asap, other days I don't want to get married for years. Same thing with having kids. Some days I think it will be great for me and give me the appropriate distraction from my happiness relying on Erin, and other days I think I need to be perfectly happy and content before having kids. I'm going to have to research this topic to find some answers and see what the experts think. Some days I think most of the reason I'd want to get married is because I feel too much societal pressure to have kids outside a marriage. Other days I think getting married might be a huge dead end, because what if we grow apart and our needs grow apart too? Sometimes that doesn't make sense, because the more time I spend with Erin, the more our needs and wants converge into the same thing.

I've found I hate going to bars and much prefer relaxing at people's houses and just talking, drinking, and playing games. When we go out, it's too fucking loud and I can only hear the 2 or 3 people sitting directly next to me, and I end up only talking with a few people. I don't know why anyone likes bars. Maybe it's just because I'm deaf, but who knows.

I'm reading this book Life's Greatest Lessons: 20 Things That Matter, and I have to say, it's pretty amazing. It really teaches you to be happy. I'd highly recommend picking this book up if you have problems finding true happiness. Most of the advice in the book is "no duh" advice, but reading it and taking it to heart is a great way towards actual happiness. People will like you more if you have read this book.

This one is especially rambling, sorry about that, but it gives you an idea of what I was going through prior to my collapse.

oh my god
i think i realized that marriage might be another institution just like government and religion
that all work together that is made from money
and like marriage is like a man made agreement to not do what we truly want for the sake of our species
i feel like these restraints like
marriage, religion, government
are in a similar vain to like humans enslaving dogs to be our friends
like humans try to train dogs to be our slaves almost
if you be good i'll give you a treat
and that's the same way as money has gotten over humans almost
if humans are good
and obey arbitrary sets of rules they get stimulation that is fun for them
but doesn't lead to happiness
like part of being good marriage partners is providing sexual stimulation for eachother, financial support, models for children to behave properly
i feel like all humans are slaves almost
at varying levels
slaves to our dna is probably more accurate
like I keep bad mouthing money
but in reality it's our dna
that wants money
or something like that
I just thought of something else
What if greed was the best
and like appeals to emotions (ie govt, religion) just hurts your overall happiness
and like govt and religion is just escapism
wait
money is on the same level as govt and religion i think
they're all bad possibly
I have some more thoughts
maybe anarcho socialism is the final end of that long government trend that i gave you
you know how happiness is like
been shown to peak at a certain level of money?
and if you are lower than it or higher than it you are less happy
like you need enough money to meet a certain basic needs scheme
I think the progression might go from like
(of govt)
(progression of dominant governments, that is)
dictatorship -> communism -> socialism -> democracy -> republic -> anarcho capitalism -> anarcho socialism
like the guiding principle that makes it move is that
we're trying to break down restrictions
and money like will break down social restraint laws
to the point where there is no authority (religion, govt, etc) but money
then b/c human's #1 emotion is greed
all will be left is anarcho capitalism
so after the world is sufficiently wealthy, where everyone's basic needs are adequately met, people will start to join arancho socialist groups
where they all work together
anarcho socialism working to me
means like the whole world becoming one big happy family almost
(all of humans, that is)
and the internet and global communications is help facilitate this change
(albeit the actual change to the ideal will take a very long time to happen)
but I think we are moving to a trend where it's best if we get all humans thinking on the same page of "let's make humanity last forever"
and anarcho socialism will be similar to anarcho capitalism
but by then people will be working super hard to make humans last because of love for humanity rather than money
I think it can happen ! :)







PEOPLE GET THEIR MOTIVATION FROM OTHER PEOPLE TELLING THEM THEY CAN'T DO IT!

"Society is produced by our wants, and government by wickedness; the former promotes our happiness positively by uniting our affections, the latter negatively by restraining our vices. The one encourages intercourse, the other creates distinctions. The first is a patron, the last a punisher. Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil."


Big difference:
money works as unit to measure who is good at making money...but are they TRULY productive to society?

Ask me for advice on personal problems. Ask me for predictions on the universe. Ask me about my personal poker career. Ask me questions about becoming a better poker player (specific hands or general advice). Ask me about my personal life. Ask me about pop culture. Ask me about investing. Ask me anything.

If this turns out like I hoped, I will respond with a podcast. Preference will be given to questions that are voice recorded.

A startling realization about girls.

I stumbled across this link from my daily Digg reading: 10 Hottest Celebrity Girls Next Door
this list is hilarious and super telling to me. I have extreme adoration for most of the shows on it
#10. Marsha Brady. I used to watch the show religiously when I was young age 7-age 13 probably.
#09. Allyson Hannigan. I've never seen Buffy.
#08. Dawn Wells - Mary Anne from "Gilligan's Island. I have had a huge life-long crush on her and saw her as one of the most beautiful women I've known. I even bought the dvds for the series.
#07. Tiffany Amber Thiessen - "Kelly Kapowski". LDO. Bought all the dvds of this show too.
#06. Sally Field. I've never seen Gidget or Smokey and the Bandit.
#05. Danica McKellar - Winnie Cooper "The Wonder Years". One of my alltime favorite shows. I bought all the DVDs on eBay. That shows how much I loved the show that I went way out of my way to find every episode.
#04. Kari Byron - Mythbusters. I downloaded every episode of this show.
#03. Laura Prepon - Donna "That 70's Show". Again, I downloaded every episode of this show.
#02. Jennifer Aniston. Bought the entire series of this show. I love Friends and it's a great show IMO, despite some cheesiness and repetitiveness of the jokes.
#01. Jenna Fisher - Pam Beasley "The Office". I've never loved a show as much as this one. I've never been as interested in television characters as I have with Jim and Pam.

So why do I like these shows so much?

I HAD a girl next door named Jennifer until I was 6 years old. We used to have tickle fights laying around in the backyard. We'd go to Chuck E Cheese together. We'd play nintendo games together. We played games with throwing balls. She treated me like she really liked me. It took myself until high school before I ever had any kind of relationship with a girl, and my high school girls that I loved were nothing more than good friends. I longed for girls as friends/girlfriends pretty much my whole life. I saw "the girl next door" as my only shot at true love. I loved blondes way more than brunettes my entire life. Jennifer was blonde. Up until recently I had never had a true connection with any girl. That all changed with Erin. Now I don't like any of these shows as much. These shows were like a training guide to win the heart of someone I truly loved, Jennifer. My favorite and 3rd favorite show on this list, both girls were named Jennifer (Aniston and Fisher). That's probably just a funny coincidence, but suddenly, now that I've found my girl next door I don't like the shows nearly as much. They don't have much left to teach me about the world. I had used emotional blackmail and mean things to try to get Erin to change into the ideal girl next door. She died her hair blonde because she thought that'd make me happy. It did. She stuck by me and was really trying to change to become my ideal (dieting, hair color, working out, spending extra time save money, etc). In retrospect it's all so clear, but I was blind to seeing her for her true beauty. It took almost 2 years of her putting up with my shit before I realized it was all bullshit. Looks are ONLY a bonus into Beauty. The sexiest thing about a girl is her mind. Deep down I always knew this, but my thoughts, words, and actions were telling Erin a different story. I'm deeply sorrowful for the way I treated her, but now I see the light. I'm a pretty convicted man, and I doubt I will regress.

When we were 6 she had to move away for her Dad's work. I never saw her again, but spoke on the phone once. I kept complaining to my mom and asking her why she left. I cried over her leaving. She responded that it was because of her Dad's work. I knew that their parents were so nice, I couldn't blame them. Their parents wouldn't tear us apart unless it was necessary. I think at the age of 6 I realized that parts of society are bullshit. This led me on my way to question every type of authority ever, because I understood at a young age that authority doesn't bring happiness even if authority tells you they are bringing happiness.

edit: added link to original article

Poker yesterday went awful. I tilted and played 300/600NL with scared money vs LarsLuzak. What a terrible idea. I overplayed midpair on the turn and lost a buyin which is a shitton of money to me. Hopefully in the future, I will become better wrt tilt management.

I just got back from my vacation to San Antonio and Corpus Christi. People from Corpus Christi are among the nicest people I've ever met. They all treat eachother with respect and general kindness. They are really friendly to strangers. I got paid about 5 compliments from strangers in the 2 days I was there. I met some cool people on this Texas Treasure boat trip we took. They had No Limit Texas Hold'Em $1/2 NL on the boat and I played it for awhile. Normally I wouldn't want to do this, but my girlfriend loves watching me play live (cha-ching). The people there were pretty bad. I made $5 dollars in 5 hours of gambling (thanks $5 blackjack bets to get even :) ). The bad part was I got really sea sick and threw up 4 times in 30 seconds. The worse part is that I was trained to not make a mess when I was growing up, so I threw up twice in my mouth and reswallowed it before I found a garbage can. A little bit later I had the clearest pee I had ever seen in my life. It was somehow more clear than water. We did this River Walk thing in San Antonio and it was pretty awesome/beautiful. My girlfriend took like 1000 pictures too, because she just replaced her broken camera and had an itchy trigger finger. While in Corpus Christi we saw this dolphin show that was amazing. I have to say dolphins are among the coolest animals of all time. They were playing CATCH with some big ball. If I ever get really rich, I'm going to buy a dolphin.

Another thing happened in Corpus Christi was I met this homeless man. My old thoughts on homeless people are still fairly true. NEVER give money to a beggar. It encourages them to not fix their own problems, and encourages them to make average citizens uncomfortable. Anyways, we asked this guy to take our picture on the beach (with the Gulf of Mexico in the background) and he took a nice photo of us. After that he asked us if we could help with two dollars. I went back to my car and grabbed two bucks for him because he was so friendly. He was very honest and open and said he just wanted somebody to love. We were kind've scared and walked like two blocks on the beach so he couldn't follow us or if he did we would see him coming (remember, homeless people are scary). Erin got stung by a jelly fish on her butt and stomach and me on my hand and stomach, so we were afraid of the water and went back. On the way back to the car, the guy approached us again and asked if we believed in the Christian God. I told him I don't really believe in the Christian God, but told him I believed in some god that controls the universe and there likely is parallel universes. More in a watchmaker aspect than one that interacts with his creation. I also mentioned some stuff about macroevolution too. We got to talking, and he was saying how desperate he wants someone to love, and I told him the best way to do that is to get another job (he worked 1 weekend day a year), because our society is very materialistic and girls pretty much require it. I told him to find a church and start going regularly and meeting people and having them help himself get a job. We talked for about 15 minutes, and I could tell he had a great personality and I have hope for him succeeding. My modified view on homeless people is only give them money if you show them love too. A great way could be taking them out for a meal and chatting with them to try to validate them. Some of them just lack any confidence in themselves, and by helping them figure out a path for themselves where they can visualize success, it really helps them more than blind money does. Blind money just hurts them, because it perpetuates the problem. If I had more time, I might try to follow up, but I was pretty busy.

Today's ramblings from before the hospital stay is entitled "Some thoughts on happiness":

Things to be happy about?

erin (my girlfriend)
cali (my dog)
family

-treat yourself like you would a pal. remove negative thoughts
-don't think negative things

everyone should be who they want to be

I Am not I Will = never say you are GOING to change, just CHANGE.

we need to stop being slaves to money. everyone is being a slave to advancing the human race. we need to step back and figure out if that's what we really want. do we ultimately want humans to live longer and prosper or do we want to be happy with what we have?

"if we understand the power of generosity to create happiness, we would never sit down to a meal by ourselves"

if i have thoughts like i don't have time, i don't have money, it might be awkward. practice ignoring it. go with the inclination that a lonely friend would love an invitation to dinner, elderly aunt would love a phone call, a coworker could use a cup of tea.


i was initially drawn to erin because she based her life around love and emotion. erin was drawn to me b/c i based my life around logic and money. i am starting to try and overpower her to become centered around logic and money. she is smart enough to understand logic and money so it's a natural target to try and prey on. money does not equal happiness though. productivity and advancement of the human species is not happiness. it's a pathetic life of self-loathing and hatred. Everything about america deals with advancement of the species at the expense of making ourselves and money god. everything like shame, ads, tv, govt, operates in order to make money and advance the species. if we do this we will become slaves to money (if we haven't already) and this is bad. The only way to be happy is if we do not continue to be slaves to money.


I USED TO TAKE PLEASURE IN THE SUFFERING OF OTHER PEOPLE AND THINGS BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ADVANCES THE HUMAN SPECIES. Money represents the suffering of other people because it is always achieved out of evil?

is there such a thing as clear cut good and evil? It just depends on what you think of those situations? Can money be used for the greatest good?

pay attention to what you're doing when you have a smile on your face

I just made plans to go to Corpus Christi and San Antonio for a week vacation with my girlfriend. I planned it for two days from now, which is obv standard for a high stakes balla like myself. It should be really fun, as this is the first vacation I have taken with my girlfriend of almost two years that was just the two of us. I'm really excited about it and so is she .

The next in the series of ramblings that led to my breakdown is entitled "God thoughts" and is probably really scattered and incoherent. I'd appreciate feedback to see if anyone is interested in hearing my thoughts on the world. If these are tl;dr (too long, didn't read), I can stop posting them or try to clean them up a bit and make them more focused. Some of the thoughts are incomplete, and I meant to go back to rethink some of my ideas.

I think I just had a revelation anarcho capitalism will likely eventually happen worldwide (assuming we never wipe all the species of the earth off). Over time governments with less restrictions will always grow more quickly than government with more restrictions in a worldwide scale. This will happen b/c the looser govt countries will always keep getting richer more quickly than stricter government countries. the stricter govt countries will continue to fail at a quicker and quicker rate. This happens because of (100s-1000s of years) cycles that consist of economic depression -> revolt -> overthrow government. Pretty much in our day and age dictatorships are on their way out and, IMO, don't really stand a great chance at becoming the overall worldwide government. So now we're basically in the process of getting rid of communists and that cycle will continue to happen over like a few thousand years until there's only countries that have about the level of control as the usa presently does (which, in reality, isn't too bad) and over the next few thousand years it'll get to the point that the whole world is like present-USA except a few libertarian countries and then another few thousand years would go by (all the while overthrowing communist and pseudo communist societies trying to spawn) and then eventually the libertarian countries will all win out and a few thousand years later it will all be libertarian countries except a few anarcho capitalist countries that spawn up (all the while new countries with the control that the usa presently has, are popping up,and the AC and libertarian countries are then overthrowing those usa-like countries) then it eventually becomes all AC and anytime any form of government springs up, AC crushes it. Is this a possible scenario for the future?

My fear is that what could turn out is something like China changed their economic policy so that they can get richer until the point where they have enough money and power that their form of government basically controls present day republics and then countries with governments like China decide to take out the USA and other republics since they're so crazy, and then world slowly becomes communist which then slowly gets closer to dictatorship until all the sudden we have a single dictatorship running the whole world and we almost turn into zombies because they give themselves so much control over every aspect of our lives.

I have a few big assumptions I'm making for predicting the human race will naturally evolve to an AC world, but I might be making a lot of big assumptions:

My biggest assumption I make is this:

Central planning of big elaborate systems necessarily functions best with a frictionless, voluntary, collaborative effort of greedy/capitalist (human) people. Basically any example you can come up with:
1. science (knowing many things about how the world works) vs religion (assuming some things about the world and believing in them based on central planning)
2. educated (aka well connected with society and collaborative efforts of making people happy ) vs ignorant (don't understand society or science or anything and live in a bubble)...educated people almost always live longer lives than ignorant people.
3. english/mandarin/other big languages vs no very minor languages - languages are starting to dominate and more and more people know english as a second language and it's starting to develop and eventually probably everyone will know english or some form of english because that's where the money is for now.
4. money vs poverty -> the world is getting richer and richer. Some countries that are really poor even receive free aid to help raise their standards of living slightly so they can become richer and live longer lives thus benefitting the richer again (but that's mutually beneficial and not predatory, remember). The other interesting thing about money and capitalism, is many human emotions (like envy, jealousy, greed often stems from money.
5. families of cooperation vs no families/gangs (which necessarily has central leadership), the more collaboration and less restriction that is used, the better it develops, and the less collaboration and more restriction that is used in it the less rapidly it develops.
Basicaly hated relationships & loving relationships
6. human music is a trick we play on ourselves to encourage our species communicate with eachother better -> know eachother better -> learn about eachother more -> communicate with eachother more
7. drugs vs no drugs (finding and using and learning about more and more drugs to help us be happier and more productive and collaborative throughout the day
8. happiness vs depression
9. free news about the world vs restricted news you don't know much about

Please allow me to illustrate this pattern in the computer industry, but I think you can use almost any industry and this will be true (or if it's not true for a particular industry now, it will be true in the future and the reasons should logically follow). The computer industry started where you basically had no choice for what you can do with it. It then develops to where the user of the computer has more and more choices and less and less restrictions. From then the software industry develops where the user can now make his own rules for how the computer can operate quite easily which then makes this person richer because 1. they can come up with more problems and get more solutions to figure things out. 2. be more connected with the world, and make more money (possibly by getting a better job because companies get paid a lot to 3. have more free time to learn and communicate with the world and have more and more incentive to acquire the skills that help the world on a global scale. We are now shifting to an era where everything in the computer industry that's winning is stuff that has been worked out together that is free or started out free. Open source programs are becoming more and more popular. It's gotten to the point where government agencies and schools are using openoffice, linux, etc.

Let me use the an example of the progression of the computer industry.

My other assumption is that money always wins out in situations of laws and regulations.

My other assumption is that the BIGGEST money only develops in places that have relatively small government.




For this next example, I'm going to describe "god" as all knowing, all blissful, all freedom,

Did you ever think that the universe as we know it is evolving into some sort of collaborative god or image of god and then we will be in heaven when we all think and operate the exact same way and all know exactly how to make eachother eternally happy? We are just trying to become like god is just some collective form or image of us




EVERY HUMAN EMOTION IS DIRECTLY RELATED TO WANTING MORE WEALTH (much of this comes from CHEAP COMMUNICATION)?

WE ARE BECOMING SLAVES TO OUR ROBOTS AND THE ROBOTS WILL TAKE OVER IF WE DON'T STOP THIS. WE NEED TO STOP THIS! Maybe not robots, but to an alternate sense of reality, ie. escapism?




DOES EVERYTHING THAT I THINK DO SAY AND NOW BELIEVE reflect that I've made MONEY and SELF-LOVE (aka species advancement) a God? Am I doing everything that I can to enslave myself to some false happiness of being apart from people? Am I trying to do this to others around me too? Is Christianity a false way to know the true God of happiness? Remember to observe happiness levels of "fundamentalists" vs "atheists". Do I only equate happiness with religion because I'm not as happy as I used to be? Who's happiest in general? Ignorance is bliss? Which is ignorance: trying to base your life around acquring wealth power fame or trying to base your life around god and ignorance of things of the earth? Money != ignorance? Or is happiness knowing everything and being like god or trying to turn.. Can organized religion be a false god? What are my priorities in life? What should they be? Pleasing God or pleasing one self? pleasing one self has more cooperation and works better because pleasing one self requires money and cooperation? Is this good or bad?

EXPLAIN how religion yields true happiness and how atheism fails to achieve that. Personal anecdotes appreciated. Have I made my own sense of happiness that revolves around serving a false god (money being that god)? Do I only like money because I think that brings happiness, when in reality, true happiness comes from other things? What brings true happiness? Something like eating animals good or bad? Based on values of happiness for selfish gains or happiness for others?

"Happy people are far more focused on the little victories and miracles than the problems," < http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0NAH/is_6_33/ai_106224764 > - note source CNN...can you trust a capitalist (god = money) group or not? Does smarter with self preservation mean smarter with happiness? Should one strive for happiness? What do Christians ultimately want? To serve something that doesn't harm other parts of the earth and make his earth last longer b/c we are the bacteria and people that "help the earth" are good bacteria. There's such a thing as good bacteria and bad bacteria? Is good bacteria for us in reality the devil's bacteria?

Does everything I think just try to lead me into a path of self destruction (likewise with everything else)? Is that good or bad? Anything that makes humans last longer is just a growing bacteria aka serving the devil (money?) Am I just thinking this because this train of thought leads to being suicidal? That I can never know god and realize I am the bacteria of earth and i'm killing his creation? once anyone is dead they become one with him? What does religion ultimately want someone to do? Remember now, I'm equating religion with dictatorship almost and equating money/capitalism with evolution. Is a species ultimate purpose to advance the species? Remember to read the selfish gene and hear critiques about it from smart christians if it applies. Is everything I do trying to warp people to be slaves to money and if money is ultimately more powerful because it represents self improvement, is that good or bad? Does it represent self improvement? What do other species ultimately strive for? Bettering other species? Could most modern religions be wrong and everyone in the past 1900-2000 years or so be living in some sort of saddam and gomorrah or something where we have made money our god and we should ultimate be striving for non sodom and gomorrah? Should we give in to happiness or is all forms of happiness false happiness that we've created in our minds to alienate us from some other power. What about calvinism that shows that their is truth in god in most of the world. Is god the bacteria that is evolved into humans and the earth is actually the devil. Any advancement in the human race helps understand how we can defeath earth and the universe (which in reality is hell)? Organized religion holds us back by not giving human self happiness to pillage the earth which is hell? What is the overall goal of any species? Science yields money, but the reason science makes sense to me is because I worship species preservation a concept of science? If science has some unexplained thoughts, does that mean we are just creating an infinite set of laws that will never be able to explain itself because there are some fundamental problems with the way we view things in a science mindset? Scientific method is manmade and maybe that's a tool of the devil? How can you do good on this earth when almost all of it revolves around brainwashing you to not "do good"? Well, is "doing good" trying to know the earth or trying to believe in a religion? Can politics and religion be forms of the devil and the bible be a tool of the real devil? AC brings most wealth which actually helps the most humans be the most wealthy and free to do what they want and live the longest. does god want us to live long healthy happy lives or short painful lives? Who is making these happiness statistics I'm clinging too? Tool of devil? So many different religions now...which one is the one that ultimately is the best? Do I want what's best for the universe or worse for the universe? Do I want what's best for humans or what's best for the universe? What do atheists generally pick from the two? What do religious folk generally pick? Why do I want these things? Why do religious people want these things? Why do atheists want these things? Maybe money has taken over my sense of what people would choose or are messing with my assumptions of if anything I've said has any relevance. Maybe we're building heaven on earth by destroying it? Maybe we're building heaven on earth by becoming completely self sustaining without damaging the earth anymore? Once we understand the world and eachother better, is immortality possible (think hundreds of thousands to millions of years possibly even hunderends of millions of years from now) will we evolve into some species that joins into one and knows a ton about god because of things like finding dna and understanding his creation better and seeing him through creation? Anything that helps us see creation better helps us ultimately see god better in the long term?

Are we just a part of macro co evolution (note: look this up more) and we're not quite the right species to get into heaven but we are starting to understand and capitalist deregulation people that live longer are understand more about the earth and how to exploit it b/c they try to make the species last longer more on the right way?


->Everything humans do tries to advance the human race in the best way that humans know how. if this is true, does that mean we are all doomed to not please "god" or is god just a manmade creation to try and advance the species because species advance the most when they have ties with eachother and anarcho ($ ties) is the best way to not hurt the species b/c it's the least likely way that people go to war if everybody relies on cooperation? After all, who would hurt one of their own? Is personal happiness and well being the most important things in life? What do other people say?

Should we be allowed to kill other people to better the human race? Should we be allowed to take away equal rights between two people to better the human race (prisons etc)? Where is the line of freedoms that are "required" and who is requiring?

Maybe money is a temporary evil that is for the greater good?


Here's a take on competition:

Then I draw out responses from the audience. Some pick the silver medal winner. Some pick the bronze. Occasionally someone chooses the coach or even the audience. One participant recently shouted out, "The sponsors!"

The correct answer is that the bronze medal winner tends to be happier than the silver medal winner, according to research conducted in 1995. When I ask the audience why they think this might be, they always understand the answer. The silver medal winner can taste the gold she missed. She is thinking, "No, no, no. I missed."

-> "Meanwhile, the bronze medal winner is clinging for dear life to his medal as if it was the edge of a cliff overlooking the abyss of nobodyhood. He is thinking, "Oh thank God I made it. I almost missed out on a medal, but at least I'm an Olympic medalist." This is the secret of happiness "

In case you were wondering why I haven't been online lately, it's because I was admitted to a looney bin. I was smoking a lot of weed and sleeping approximately 4 hours a night for about a full week. This triggered some insane moods (literally) and the breaking point was when I gave the love of my life an ultimatum: "Leave everything behind and come with me to Sweden or you can't be with me anymore." My fear that the United States became a police state and too much control of the internet created this ultimatum. I thought I saw the future and that we'd be nuked within 2-10 years. I was absolutely convinced of this and Erin (my girlfriend) agreed to go to the airport with me. Little did I know of her "devious" plan: take me to the emergency room and get my head wired straight.

I will describe what the looney bin was like towards the end of this tale, but for now, I'm going to start copying and pasting my ramblings from a few days prior to the hospital. Even though I was on the brink of insanity, I think a lot of my thoughts were clear and important (b/c I have a huge ego problem), but they might be hard to follow, because I'm not a professional writer, I'm a professional mouse clicker.

Anyways the first page of thoughts is entitled, "Thoughts about Business and Love." Feel free to comment on it.

you know what I realized
I think I was so capitalism minded
that I viewed people that weren't good at making money
as like a personal offense
on me
b/c I'm so monetarily connected to the world and not as emotionally connected
like in reality
anyone not working harder
than me
or harder than my imaginary level of minimum
I felt was like not trying hard enough to make me happy
almost
b/c every human is like one cog in the chain of my happiness or something
and people that like tried to hurt me monetarily were like disregarding me as a human
like if someone tries to harm me monetarily
they see me as a use to them more monetarily than emotionally
and therefore i hate them
and i think that's why I have/(had) such a spiteful/hating attitude of poor, uneducated people, and businesses that I thought were in it ONLY to take my money and not to help me
b/c i saw them as people that were living just to take my money
poor people b/c of the government subsidies or whatever
and uneducated, b/c they don't businesseses grow as much
and I saw uneducated like as a choice more than anything
so they were CHOOSING to not help humans
when in reality they were just CHOOSING not to help business?
and help other areas of life
intsead of business
so I'd see businesses in it for me and not my money
as businesses that offered the CHEAPEST price available on a product
and now i realize that's why I'd go to such great lengths to find the cheapest products there are
b/c I was like choosing to help people that had similar ideals
of not fucking humans
and like
remember that situation with my dad
that I posted about
now one of the comments that was said
I didn't realize how big of an effect it had on me
someone said that he was using your emotions as a son to get your business and your money by charging you super high rates
and it hit home so strong
that i was almost willing to cut off all ties with him
based on it
and I think I still might do it
just thinking about it again makes my blood boil
oh yeah when I said "when in reality they were just CHOOSING not to help business?"
there's also a huge element of luck involved too
and I didn't mean to imply that like poor people are poor by choice or anything like that
b/c luck is the biggest factor imo
and like desire only makes up a small %
of class change
oh yeah
but you've probably seen me to do pretty cheat systems to businesses
and I feel kind've guilty about it
but the way I was justifying it in my head was like...anyone that's charging me prices too high is clearly is completely detached from me and now it's a game of poker to see who gets the most money out of the transaction
with the govt being the rake
it's like such a fucked up way to look at life
but I think there's an element of truth to it
that everyone does
they just don't view a lot of situations the way i saw them
but if the situations were extreme they would
I've made a comparison as to how it happens and that my thoughts are a fundamental truth
like the mom and pop store vs walmart
like people will continue patronizing mom and pop stores
of people they know in town
until someone comes along and offers you a deal to good to pass up
and then view the mom and pop store as almost like assholes
for charging you that much money
and like
anyone that charges you that much money doesn't have your best interest at heart
and like we've never truly valued mom and pop stores
we've always saw them as business entities
and as soon as something better comes along we drop it
and I think the problem with anarcho capitalism
is that it makes all human transactions based on money
and greed
ie a false happiness
like business that run the best
have always based on giving consumers happiness
and one of the reason open source works so well
(open source programming)
is because everyone gets together and works on a product out of love for the community and love for the project
and hatred of money
er, the greedy companies that are taking too much money
for something that should be free in the eyes of the community
so the community makes something free for the community
and that's the reason govt fails
is b/c they aren't in it for the community but for themselves
and businesses that aren't in it for the community but for the money jockey for position with the government
and influence the govt based on money
same reason wikipedia is the best encyclopedia
like a product by the community for the love of the community and product will ALWAYS beat everything else
when money enters the equation love necessarily exits
and is why waitresses
who are the most at the whim of money
and prostitutes
who are at the whim of money
serve you
for money and not love
so it's not good
er it's fake, rather
and it's almost transparently fake

I'm moving my blog over to cardrunners because cardrunners is a pretty bangin' web site. I'm not sure how everything is going to work yet or if all my old blog entries will be on here or not, but I assume we'll be able to work out the kinks in the future. They're also forcing me to do about 5 blog entries a month, so it's going to be brutal to keep up with that based on my track record. There's a reasonable chance I do less than 5 a month, but I'll shoot for 5 . I still have a lot of tweaking to do with this site to get the formats how I like it.

Furthermore, poker has been going pretty great lately. I'm stepping it up to 25/50 NL and sometimes 50/100 NL. September so far has been a great month, and I've double what I made from January - August. I'm not going to say there wasn't any luck involved, because it's been a lot of luck. Pretty much once a month each month this year I've tried taking shots at 25/50 NL, but I've had small stop limits and I'd usually lose around 2-5 buyins before giving up and moving back down to between 2/4 NL and 10/20 NL. Finally this month everything went smooth and I've steadily won a lot of moola.

I just got DVR about a month ago and upgraded my tv to include a ton of channels. It's pretty sweet to have access to all sorts of stuff. On Demand lets me catch up on Dexter. It also lets me try some new shows out like Flight of the Conchords. That show hilariously depicts two aspiring digipop musicians New Zealand who are socially inept with almost no fans who are trying to make ends meet. They intertwine the songs they make with the show in a pretty original way (well, knowing tv, it's got to be copied from somewhere, but this is the first time I've seen it done really well). TWO THUMBS UP.

In books, I've been reading How Capitalism Saved America and it is an amazing book. If you are interested in politics and the economy this book explains the reality of capitalism and debunks many myths surrounding capitalism. Do you think corporations are evil? This book will explain why you are an idiot. That might be harsh, but my opinion is that most people that are anti-free market economy don't understand the reality of the situation. Furthermore, people think America is a capitalist society, but it is not. The only reason our economy has flourished for so long is related to the government's lax laws on business. Recently (past 75 years or so) we've gotten completely out of hand and our economy is going to plummet in the future. As much as I complain about the government, it's still relatively pretty good compared to the world. If you want to know which countries economies are going to grow the most in the next 20 years (assuming no wars or natural disasters or great political changes happen), just look at this list: Index of Economic Freedom.

Signing out,

captZEEbo

P.S. If you want to see my old entries between now and when I get them on cardrunners, go here: Old Entries