This downswing is really starting to get to me. In just PLO I reached 4 mil under all in EV in the past 3 months. I try my best to say that all I can do is play my best in the situation I am in. I try not to worry about others results and how well or poorly they are doing and just focus on my play. I have to admit its getting hard. It feels like every day I play I sit down and I get stuck 100k with in 20 min. I try to quit and will then play another session later in the day where the same thing happens.

I follow this up by reviewing every hand with coaches/friends. I generally find a few small things I could do differently but mainly my play is good. I go to bed and wake up and repeat this process. I feel like I have done this for weeks on end. I keep telling myself not to get down and that it will turn around but it doesn't. Its just more of the same everyday.

I sometimes day dream about running where I feel I should. Its very unproductive and when I do it I try to get it out of my mind as its no way helpful in my future goals. When I am feeling really creative I think how amazing it would be to run 4 million over EV instead of under. I think how nice it would be to be 8 million dollars richer. Really though my life wouldn't be any better if I were 8 million dollars richer. I wouldn't do anything differently and probably would just be alot cockier, a bit douchier, and generally less like able.

When I really think about it the only reason I really care about running poorly is that I get some validation from my work. I always have tried to excel at things I do and poker is no different. I think to some degree it defines who I am. Although my work/poker define who I am, its a small part of me. I think it takes a distant 2nd seat to my personal relationships. I remember a few years ago when poker was going very well for me. I was unhappy and a bit bored with it and I made a consciences decision to build more relationships and have some relationships that were more deep and meaningful. In the past three years I feel that I have really accomplished this.

This blog is rambling, but its surprisingly therapeutic.