With the new year here and 2010 now behind me, I figured it was a good time to finally write up the big Why am I doing this? post. I will warn you that this is a very long post but I don't include everything due to some personal reasons, and it's about me (obviously) but I hope I can inspire some others to be better people, because isn't that what life's all about?

First, to recap my New Years Eve, it was pretty nuts and probably the best NYE I've ever had. If anyone has realized when I talk about new years plans, I always want to do something different. Going to the bars or a hotel party has been done, it's all the same and just isn't fun to me. I'd rather go to a house party or some destination like this year. If you want something different next year, a group of us are already planning to head out to Colorado for a short ski trip in a huge private lodge/cabin in the mountains.

If I was back in Chicago, I probably would have gone to see Flosstradamus at Lincoln Hall, and/or a house party. But since I'm in Thailand, I had lots of options. There's the full moon party on Koh Pha Ngan which was my original plan, but some others that I was planning on going with decided not to go and only a few people from the camp went. Plus I'll be over there for the last month of my trip and can head to a full moon party in February, so I decided to go to Phi Phi Island with some people here. A group of 9 of us went and we had planned to stay up all night to catch the 9am ferry back. We left at noon on New Years Eve day, and arrived after a 45 min cab ride and 2 hour ferry ride. We spent most of the day looking for ridiculous things to wear, eating some food, drinking and just exploring some of the shops and bars on the island. We then headed to the Reggae Bar where they were offering free buckets of mixed drinks to anyone that stepped in the ring to fight (with protection). Obviously since I was with a bunch of people from a muay Thai camp, this was a no brainer.

Even though we all had a few drinks in us by this point, we paired up and headed into the ring. I fought with Joe (video should be on facebook soon) a guy from the camp who has more experience than me. Luckily he went easy on me and was pretty buzzed, so I ended up winning. It was definitely a lot of fun, but I don't think I'll be doing a legit fight while here, I had a pretty poor form, ha! But to my defense, I couldn't hit his jaw due to recent surgery he had, we had been drinking and the ring was slippery from sweat. Quite scary, but glad I did it. We ended up watching fireworks at midnight and then searching forever for the beach bar where everyone was at because we kept getting wrong directions. Once we found it, I was quite taken aback by the number of people there. It was about a quarter to half mile long party of various bars blasting music, dance floors on the beach, places to lay down on the beach around little fires and thousands of people dancing away. We ended up staying up through the night with some resting in there and then got breakfast at 7:30am so we could catch the 9 am ferry back. People were still dancing at 7am, not sure how they kept their energy up. We all napped on the ferry back, which was much needed obviously. I've slept 3 different times since we got back and am now back on track.

Why am I doing this trip?

It's difficult to get all of this out in words, and like I mentioned earlier, I'm not writing out every reason in this blog due to personal reasons. But I want to try and explain it for family, friends and myself really. Some people were supportive, some were skeptical and some were just concerned about my safety and finances. I appreciate that so many people care, but it really didn't matter what others wanted me to do. I was going to do whatever I wanted, because really, it's my life. I spent the better portion of 8 years of my life in a relationship, trying to make someone else happy and not realizing that I was letting my own development slip by. I didn't take the necessary time to think, what do I really want to do with my life?

So while I appreciate that people are concerned about my well-being, I can reassure you that 1) my finances are fine, I was able to close a bunch of deals right before I left and I should be coming back to the same financial position I was in before I left, believe it or not. Living in southeast Asia is very reasonable and I was able to postpone my gym membership, phone service, etc. to save even more money. 2) My health is fine. I had a little sore throat when I first arrived, but I pushed too hard right off the bat and have since adjusted to the weather and workout regimen. I haven't had any infections or sicknesses to be concerned about. 3) My safety is fine. I know some people think it's dangerous over here, but really, it isn't. Not once have I felt threatened in a situation or that I was in a dangerous circumstance. It is not a third world country, they are quite developed, especially when compared to some countries. I'm also in high tourist areas which can attract muggers, but I know how to handle myself and I've felt perfectly safe my whole time here so far. Also, the people are here are incredibly friendly and are willing to help. They understand that they thrive on tourism, so don't bite the hand that feeds, in a sense.

I first toyed around with the idea of taking an extended trip for myself last spring. At the beginning of 2010 I determined that I was going to start making some changes and work on myself for the year. I looked into different career paths, I upped my workout routine, I read more, and I tried to simplify my life. But with so many options and distractions, I thought about getting away for awhile to really focus on me and just...think. Think about what I want, what my plans are going to be and how I'm going to change. I wasn't depressed, but I was uninspired, unmotivated, not passionate for seemingly anything (or so I thought) and in a word, unhappy. I'm very fortunate to have loving family and friends, a job, a roof over my head, food, a car and some niceties. But nothing was getting me inspired anymore. I felt like I lost a zest for life. It's hard to explain, but it was just something that kept bothering me. I felt out of place and living a stressful, routine lifestyle. Work during the week, stress over career decisions, go out to bars on the weekend, repeat.

So I needed a change. And not just a simple change. A complete overhaul. I had told people that there are a million reasons for me to do this. One person wanted to know every reason, which meant a lot to me, that someone was that interested in what I was doing. I guess a lot of people say they're going to change, or do this or that, but then let it fall through and get back to their routine lifestyle that perhaps they're unhappy with, but not motivated enough to make the change. It's a lot easier to complain about your situation than do anything to change it. But I wanted to change, I was tired of just getting by.

I read more on personal development this year than anyone could fathom. I took multiple career personality type tests, spent endless hours thinking about my options, thought about what I wanted to do for myself, how I was going to make myself happy, etc. It was so stressful because the more you think about it, the more worried you get and the more options you have, the harder it is to make a decision. Additionally, by thinking and not doing, you prolong the situation you're in. So I just had to stop and think, how am I going to fix this. The best book I read in a long while, possibly ever, was What's Holding You Back by Sam Horn. I remember reading it on a plane ride to Seattle where I was going to meet up with John to head to Vancouver for the Olympics. We decided a month or so before the Olympics to just go. How many times will you have this chance? I spent $3-400 on roundtrip airfare and we were able to get a bedroom in a woman's house where she rents out her basement of a few bedrooms and common kitchen area to travelers. I think we spent $75 per night? It was quite funny how many people said "HA! Good luck finding a place and getting into the city!" Well, joke's on them. There was absolutely 0 wait at the border and we got a place that was a 10 minute train ride from downtown Vancouver. We partied with people from all over the world, watched curling and luge and other events at bars while drinking with others and took in all the sites the Games had to offer. Sometimes when you try to do something extraordinary or different, those who "can't" will try to bring you down. This is something I've read several times when reading articles on starting your own business, traveling for an extended period or doing anything else that people are jealous of because they're stuck in a cubicle. You don't have to be there.

But back to the book. What I got from it was that you can do anything you want, you don't have to let past circumstances hold you back, or the fear of future failure keep you paralyzed from doing anything. Think of something you've wanted to do and why you haven't done it. Is it fear, laziness, excuses? Also, what's the absolute worst case scenario that would happen if you did do this. In my case, what's the absolute worst situation that could happen from traveling to Thailand for 3 months. Well, I could get blown up. Now, what's the more reasonable worst case scenario. Something goes wrong on the trip where I have to spend a significant amount of money to get out of it and head back home where I'm stuck with not much money to get by on. But, I have a job when I get back, so I will be making money as soon as I get back. I could get dengue fever or food poisoning or some other disease. Most can be treated and I'll recover just fine. Now, what's the best case scenario? I'm able to get clarity on my life, get in shape like I want and find the motivation that will propel me well into the future. It has proven to be 100% of the latter and 0% of the former, thus far.

Really, when taking a risk in life, it's smart to weigh the pros and cons. Everybody knows that. But you can't let exaggerated cons paralyze you from doing anything. Some people would say, work on your career, save money...play it safe. This never much appealed to me. Yes, it's smart to save money. But it's not smart to sacrifice your life all in the sake of money. It makes me sick to see how many people are worried about how much money they'll have for retirement, or competing with others to have a bigger nest egg. If you spend all your life saving, you'll have let it slip by before you know it. Life is for enjoying, but it seems like most are concerned with stifling. Go to school -> get a job -> get married -> have a kid or 2 -> retire -> go on a cruise -> die. Scary to me that so many follow this typical scenario. Why not travel the world a bit? Why not start your own business, work for yourself? What about volunteering to help do something to change the world? There is so much more to life than what we think. I'm just trying to get a piece of it.

During 2010 I thought about what the hell do I want? Well, one goal I've had is to be in top shape, at least once in my life. I also realized that I want to call my own shots, work for myself. I also want to oil paint in my free time, perhaps pick up something musically like piano or dj-ing. I want to travel a bit, but I like being at home in Chicago as well, so I doubt I'd ever move somewhere overseas for that long. I want to be able to golf in Antigua even though I suck at golf. Just some examples. But that first goal of getting in shape is always the top of my new years resolutions list and is the longest running goal I can remember. So I was going to do something about it.

Some of the other reasons I wanted to take a trip like this:

• I wanted to learn how to protect myself while learning a fighting technique
• I lost some confidence and wanted to regain it before starting my own business
• I wanted to toughen up, I became a softy in my head
• I wanted to experience something different
• I wanted to get away, just for awhile
• I wanted to be more literate, more articulate
• I was tired of routine and wanted to do a once-in-a-lifetime experience
• I wanted to live in isolation, relatively speaking, to see if I can handle it
• I want to get that fiery competitive spirit back in me. I once had it.

There are other reasons, but they're more personal. I just felt like going somewhere like Thailand would help me accomplish every goal I had set out for myself. It really came down to jiu-jitsu in Brazil or muay Thai in Thailand. I don't have much of a desire to visit Brazil right now except to enjoy the beautiful beaches there, so Thailand it was. Plus it's halfway around the world, far from everything. Now I can think, read, workout and totally focus on me. It's quite unreal to see the results so far just after a month of nothing but sleep, eating, working out, reading and browsing the internet for help - personal development, career stuff, and a bit of entertainment to keep me sane. That's about all I do. I am trying to enjoy the country as well by going to see the sights and all that tourist jazz, but that's not my reason for coming here. If I let myself become caught up in the nightlife and didn't achieve my goals, I would've felt like I failed which wouldn't give me much confidence. I wanted to do something where I thought, I got through that, I can do anything.

So back to this complete overhaul, what does 2011 and the future hold for me? Can't say exactly, but I know what I'll try to do. Once I get back I'll be working full time as a realtor and learning about real estate development. While I don't know if that's the path I'll most enjoy, it interests me, I can call my own shots and the income potential is unlimited. I realized that I have no motivation if I get the same paycheck every week no matter what I do during that week. My favorite jobs were working as a caddy and playing poker. The only thing they have in common is that the income is totally dependent on you, and I like the challenge. However, I realized that I don't want to play poker forever. In fact, I hated the stress and it was only meant as a temporary means to get where I wanted. But slowly it became 24/7 for me. I was playing poker, working for a poker company and thinking about it when not doing those other 2 things. However, it doesn't give me any lasting value, and it was making me miserable. But I felt stuck in a way because I also hated my urban planning internships, haha. So what the heck was I supposed to do? I felt pressure from others and my past to get a job in urban planning even though I realized it wasn't what motivated me. I didn't care. Simple as that. That's not a fun way to live.

That's where the career change hit me. One day I thought to myself "Wow, I don't have to do something in this field just because of what 2 degrees say. I should do what makes me happy, something that gets me excited to work." It was a very liberating thought. I felt very relieved when I left my last internship and decided to focus on my options. But, not only will I be working in real estate, I'm going to start a side business or two to get passive income coming in. I've extensively researched entrepreneurship this year and was close to starting a few companies only to realize they have a high chance to fail for various reasons. What I have found when talking about starting my own business is that I'm not the only one. I have many people interested in joining and helping out with their various skills, which is great to know. If you're going to start your own business, surround yourself with people that are smarter than you. It helps.

While here I've been reading a lot online about entrepreneurship, but it's more of a focus for the 2nd part of my trip. The first part is about me and making myself a better man. I wanted to be in incredible shape. So what better way than surrounding yourself with some of the most intense, athletic people in the world doing grueling workouts 4-6 hours per day? Muay Thai is not easy. They will push you until you want to throw up. But I don't regret my decision one bit. I'm seeing results already: after one month I've lost 8 pounds and am seeing some definite definition of various muscle groups. 3 months is probably not enough for the goals I want, but I'm learning a lot while here and will be able to keep my training up once home, although I will focus more on triathlon training more than anything else. The physical challenges are unlike anything I've done before, and it's showing.

Those are a few of my goals for 2011. Going forward 5 years I also plan on doing a half ironman, trying to sell oil paintings once I take some classes, getting a dream loft in Chicago and getting a dog. These are some of the things I want. This is what I've learned so far. I never wanted to be rich just for the sake of being rich. I want to have money so I don't have to worry about money. I don't want that same paycheck every week, I want my potential to be unlimited. I hated going somewhere to work 9-5, but I was gladly getting up at 7am to work on things I wanted to work on. And I didn't mind working nights and weekends. I want that flexibility. I think most people do. The difference is I'm doing something about it. I never wanted to settle in a relationship and I don't want to settle in a job. The day I'm working in a cubicle is the day that anyone reading this is allowed to come and punch me in the face, free shot. Your job shouldn't be a chore, you need to love what you do and integrate it with your lifestyle. I just needed time to figure that out.

As soon as I get back, I have a list of things to do. These include getting rid of all the rubbish I've built up, clothes that don't fit or I don't wear, building a high powered computer so I'm not wasting time on my ridiculously slow laptop, drinking some wine!, spending time with everyone and rewarding myself with a small shopping spree for new clothes. I'm already feeling a lot better than when I came. I still can't believe I'm actually doing it. Actually committing to do what you say is half the battle I've learned. After that you just have to follow through and not give up. The changes I make on this journey were well worth the risks involved. I hope I inspire you to throw a wrench in your lifestyle if it's mediocre. But if you're with me, I'll do what I can to help you out.

If you made it this far, I commend your efforts. Time to get a healthy breakfast and a $5 massage. Life is good.