ok, time to wrap things up, this is my last blog post for a long time.

I found this quote somewhere, and I think it's going to be my guiding philosophy once I get back into poker this summer:

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory or defeat.

I'm going to aim for some big things this summer. I think I'm going to place my main focus on HU NL and 6max PLO. 6max NL increasingly feels like a 'solved' game, with a bunch of 18/16 and 21/18 regs grinding out 5 out of 6 seats on every table. I think if I want significant success, I can't just be one of the herd, I need to do something a little different.

I've still got no idea what type of challenge to do or how I'll do it. I'm not sure if I'll be able to mentally handle an aggressive move-up strategy in HU or PLO, where the swings will be substantial relative to my bankroll, but I'm tired of stagnating at small stakes. I want to make something happen, and if I can't, then to just get out of the game altogether. This summer, whatever I do, it needs to be 'go big or go home'. No middle ground.

anyways, I've got lots of time to reflect on this. next time you hear from me I'll have a plan ready to go.

I'm looking forward to checking out some of the new video games when I get back as well. GTA4 just came out, and it looks siiiick. I've always loved the GTA series, and this one looks like the best one yet by far. Also looking forward to finishing up Halo 3 since I haven't played that at all, and it will be nice to finish the trilogy, kinda curious to see how the storyline ends. Also there are a couple other games I want to play, like Bully.

One of my main goals this summer will be to get in shape. This is a goal that I'm going to take very seriously, working out 4 times a week, running every day, eating well (and a lot). I'm way out of shape, and I want to change that permanently.

My blog was on the front page for a while which was pretty awesome. However, as a result I wasn't sure if anyone followed the blog regularly, or if the views were just one-time people checking it out.

For anyone who's followed my blog over the past couple weeks, hope you enjoyed it. I think you got to see the mindset of an ambitious small-stakes grinder who was struggling with some of the things that poker throws our way. Keep an eye out for my blog this summer, and maybe by September I'll be crushing mid-stakes HU and hungry for more.

good luck at the tables

tomorrow my brother arrives and we begin our travels. we've booked ourselves a sweet snorkelling/sailing/adventure tour up the east coast of Australia, and also travelling to Thailand next week, so overall it's going to be amazing.

pokerwise I'm not sure what to think. I feel like I'll have a good idea about what I want to do after my month+ of travelling.

some thoughts I've had lately (and I've just come off a couple winning sessions so this isn't my losing mindset talking)

I've been thinking a lot more about what I want to get out of poker.(I mean in almost a subconscious sense, like this is what drives me on a deeper level, not something I openly acknowledge to myself daily, esp. number 2), and sometimes these motivations conflict

1. Make money

2. Respect. I want people to be impressed with what I'm doing and what I've done.

I feel like making money by grinding 6max in a safe bankroll (kind of approaching poker like a job), is very different from taking early shots at higher games, lower bankroll requirements to move up and working very hard to improve my game. When I start doing a lot of one, I start feeling like the other is being neglected.

The more I've thought about it, the more I think it's the second motivation that keeps me coming back, the monkey on my back that I just can't shake.

I know I'm going to need to give up poker, and it's probably going to have to be sooner rather than later.

Poker is quite dangerous to me. I have a compulsive personality, and I would say I'm obsessed with poker. It's on my mind all the time. Not the strategy (although a little bit), but much more the delusions of grandeur. The fantasies about making it to the highest stakes and being highly respected and well known, or even just thinking about making hundreds an hour and all the cool stuff I'll buy when I have all that money (ie. be able to get a nice car with a nice condo, right after I graduate, sweet computer, spend a ton on clothes, travel, flying etc.) And when I say all the time, I mean it that way; . . . all . . . the . . . time. The weird thing is I don't even play that much.

I think I use poker as an escape as well. Escape from school work I don't want to do, escape from thinking about graduating soon, escape from pretty much anything that is bothering me or that I don't feel happy about.

I know that those two things are bad, which is why I know that I need to quit poker soon. I will play this summer though, because for 2 months I'm going to give my 'poker side' a chance to put up or shut up. Put up some big results, or get poker out of my life completely.

so I'm not sure what I'll come up with when I get back from travelling, but what I have in mind right now is an exclusively HU challenge, moving up fairly (about 60 buyins to move up) aggressively, and just putting everything I've got into it. The number I've been tossing around for end result is bankroll of about 25k. Starting at 3k and doing it in 2 months.

This summer will be my chance to prove myself. I'm tired of mediocrity. I'm either going to have a huge victory, or complete failure. It's the middle ground that's been getting me down.

Anyways, anyone who read all that probably feels like my therapist at this point lol, but whatever. I wouldn't be surprised if other players feel this way or felt this way at some point in their past. I'll do one more post to wrap things up, proably tomorrow, and then I'm off.

well, only a couple more days left this month

got my 'poker fix' by hit-n-running a guy in 50NL HU for a buyin earlier today, then just now played about 45mins 6 tabling 50NL. I find the quality of play at 50NL is very poor compared to 100NL. There are just so many more weak players and the regs seem a lot less aggressive/good.

Confidence plays such an important role, 1000NL regs who move down to 400NL feel it's way softer, 400NL regs who move down say that they can just crush 200NL etc. And the guys with this mindset probably do put up great results.

If you took a player with identical skills, one of them is just moving up to 200NL from 100NL and one is just moving down from 400NL, the guy moving down would probably do twice as well as the guy moving up, because he just has the confidence to crush.

I guess that's why I feel good about my 50NL 6max game, and I need to make sure not to let this attitude fade as I put in more hours. Taking the occasional 1-2 table shots at soft 100NL games will probably help keep me in this mindset

I used to dislike iPoker's mini-table view (they don't have resizable tables so they compensate with these tiny tables). Now that I got my HUD working with some basic stats (it's nothing like my full-table layout, but it gives me a basic idea of how the guy is playing, so I know where the nits are), I kinda like it.

At first playing 6 tables felt very fast, but now it feels normal, and it won't be long before I feel comfortable adding more. I think eventually I'll be playing 9 tables of 50NL. I just make standard decisions and avoid high-variance spots when possible, and playing that many tables will allow me to gain experience and build a deeper roll.

So the fist stage of my plan this summer is probably going to see me playing three different 'modes':

1. 2-3 tabling 50NL HU

2. 6-9 tabling 50NL 6-max

3. 1-2 tabling 100NL 6-max

And I can switch between these modes as much as I like, but try to stay away from too much 100NL, just enough to keep my game sharp and my confidence high at 50NL.

it looks like the Raptors are in for a short playoff appearance this year. Haven't been able to watch any games or even see highlights other than what I read online, which has been a little frustrating, although the Raps pretty much met my expectations for this season so I can't complain.

Also the Jays have been doing pretty terrible lately as well. still, can't wait to get some Jays games in this summer, one of my favourite ways to spend a sunny afternoon.

I'll try to come up with a detailed summer plan and a farewell before I disappear for a while in the next couple days.

well, waking up in the middle of the night when you're feeling kinda sick probably isn't the best way to approach a tourney.

The Friday tourney took place 3am local time and I had decided to sleep for a couple hours before I played, because I didn't want my sleep schedule to get thrown off too badly given exams. I really didn't feel like playing, and as the first hour was coming to a close I kinda thought 'f this, theres still like 950 people left and if I waste my whole night only to bubble this thing I'm going to be pissed' so I resolved to open shove the next 3 hands before the break. So 93o got shoved, QKo called and I got to go back to bed.

The good news was that I realized how profitable these tourneys are. People were playing soooo bad it was unreal. Unfortunately playing the big $100+ buyin tourneys takes a bit more of a bankroll than I have at this point, and doing everything right and still losing like 3 out of 4 times is also pretty frustrating.

Anyways, been thinking a little more about my poker goals for the summer, given that in a few days I'll be 'poker-free' for about a month and a half as I travel with my older brother.

I've been contemplating the downswing/breakeven stretch that plagued me basically all of April. The end result was about 55 hours played and a net return of -$40.76

I really need to be able to handle downswings better in the future if I plan to play 40hrs a week, because they happen, and I can't let it just shut me down and destroy my confidence like I did. Here are some factors (in order of importance) that I think help to reduce/eliminate the 'downswing mindset':

1. Bankroll. I think playing within a nice big bankroll is possibly the most important factor. I think playing with 50 buyins for the game at hand is a good idea, and if you drop below 35 or 30, probably time to work back up.

2. Taking a break: During this month, I didn't allow myself to take a break, because I was 'deadline oriented'. When you are trying to put in a certain number of hours obviously this gets tricky. I think you definitely need to be capable of taking the day off, and even the next day off as well. Having something like a video game to funnel your competitive drive also seems like a good idea (Taylor mentioned that once in a video) if you need a break.

3. Healthy lifestyle: I admittedly don't have a very healthy lifestyle these days. I don't really exercise much nor do I eat particularly well. Sometimes going on a run or doing a workout can really help clear your mind or build your confidence. This summer, one of my goals is to really get in shape and put on some weight, so this factor is going to really help out my poker game as well.

4. Accept responsibility: Don't automatically attribute your downswing to 'bad luck'. Looking back over hand histories I see all sorts of questionable plays, spots where I'm making very light calls, putting myself in tough spots, getting fancy by 4 betting light for no real reason. When on a downswing, try to drop the bottom 10-20% of your range in each position, and play a little more standard (no fancy plays). Yeah your winrate might drop a little, but your variance will drop significantly, and soon your confidence will be back as you start winning sessions again.

Well, those are the four lessons this breakeven stretch taught me. I think if I keep these four lessons in mind the next time I start losing for a few sessions in a row, I'll be able to avoid a heavy downswing and all the baggage that comes with it.

I'll talk about my plan for the summer soon.

I mentioned earlier that I won a satellite into a 150 000 guaranteed tourney which is coming up soon. I don't really play many tourneys but we'll see how it goes. This is the first time I've played in a tourney with a huge prize pool and a decent structure (not like the short starting stacks and blinds going up ever 5 minutes type deal that the <$20 MTTs tend to be.

poker has been very meh for me lately. I realized I might be a little underbankrolled for 100NL because I really feel it if I lose a buyin so I started 6tabling 50NL (I know this goes against my 'improve at the game goals' but I think my confidence could use an improvement and so could my bankroll, so it follows the spirit of the goal if not the rule).

well, I hope this tourney goes well. The timing of this thing is really bad though, it's in the middle of the night for me.

got about a week left in the month before I go on a pretty long break. I'd kinda like to get to 3k in the roll by the end of the month but I guess that's a little results oriented.

I stumbled upon CTS's old blog and read a couple entries . . I can't believe how quickly he managed to soar up the limits. He analyzed a couple hands in each of his entries, and the clarity of thought was very impressive.

At the same time, I think CTS has a little higher comfort with gambling and risking losses than most people (ie. me). In one entry hes talking about 'I've been running a little bad when taking shots at 25/50 which is kind of frustrating. oh btw, check out this hand: (shows a hand where he's sitting with 18k in a 3handed PLO game against one of the most renowned online players and doubles up by making a pretty sick 11k call on the river to win the 35k pot)

Reading how quickly CTS moved up, and reading on Raptor's blog recently about 10 million in the bank kind of put me on lifetilt a little. I guess I felt like we're roughly the same age, we had pretty identical opportunities as far as I can tell, but here I am struggling along at low stakes where I have been for a long time.

I have a hard time identifying the skill involved, that even if you think about the game and work hard, some people are going to be better than others. It's like baseball or basketball, you can practice and practice yet without some natural talent or gift, you'll never be in the big leagues.

I think that's what makes poker profitable. It does a great job of disguising how much skill is involved, even to people who know there is skill involved. I know poker is a game of skill, but I can't help subconsciously comparing myself to CTS or Raptor and saying 'if I only worked harder at it, or gambled a little more with my roll, or played more hours etc. I would be a millionare from poker too' while I have to constantly remind myself that these guys are a lot like chess prodigies or hotshot young tennis players; I would never say 'geez, Rafael Nadal is 21 just like me. If only I had worked at tennis a little harder I would be where Nadal is'

I think part of the problem is not letting poker define my life so much. The games aren't what they were two years ago when all these guys were flying up the stakes and there are other (arguably better) ways of achieving financial success if that's what you're after.

I read about and hear about the top 10-20 online poker players all the time, but I don't think the 100 000+ players who flounder at small stakes or who perennially lose money in these games get enough face time in the online community. actually, the 'poker economy' is a topic I want to blog about at some point, because it comes up a lot and I think there is a darker side to poker than people really like to admit.

Online poker sometimes feels like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: you'll never find the end of the rainbow, and if you do, the pot of gold was never there.

well . . the last half of that blog entry was pretty much a downer. still, the bottom line is somebody needs to start mentioning that poker isn't necessarily the cash machine or money tree that the blogs of the best players or the graphs on online forums makes it out to be.

Got my exam tomorrow which I have been studying for. If you ever need some sleep medication just pick up a 60 page academic article on "The role of the colonial government in the education of young women in the Dutch colonies". I've got a pile of this kind of thing to read for my exam tomorrow, so no more poker until then I guess.

I'm in a business program but I thought that a history course would be a nice change, and to be fair it has actually been kind of interesting despite the occasional thick wad of boring readings thrown in.

I really feel like I'm heading in the right direction with poker. Played for about an hour just now 2 tabling 100NL and my confidence is returning in spades. I'm seeing plenty of weak play and regs who almost play their hand face up if you really observe them for a while.

I had a decent session that would have been even better if not for a poor call I made. One of my tables was very fishy, but it was one of those tables where it's "Please let me get a big hand before all these guys leave" because all the chips are flying around and nobody is folding, you just pretty much need to get a hand then go to the bank with it.

One thing I intend to do is think about the pots that I lose, esp. large ones, and analyze whether I could have lost less. The last little while I just tell myself 'another bad beat, oh well', when in reality a lot of the time my play wasn't that great either.On the flip side, I also want to make sure to keep an eye on my big hands and make sure I'm getting as much value as possible. Becoming more critical of my play is going to be very important.

anyways, gotta get back to studying for tomorrow.

I'm pretty pumped about my new commitment to improve, actually I hadn't realize how much of a downer it was just looking at the money, when the game itself is actually really interesting.

I haven't posted any hands yet but given that I want to start thinking more about the game, I'm going to start posting hands both here and on the forums. Here's an awkward hand that came up just now.

VC Poker 0.50/1.00, hand converted by the iPoker Converter (http://www.talking-poker.com/hands/converter.aspx) at Talking-Poker (http://www.talking-poker.com)

Button GilbertoNo5 ($122.30)
SB panPeta ($79.76)
BB fazamaka16 ($100.00)
UTG tayfuioo ($96.39)
UTG+1 Lisuu ($107.75)
CO Hero ($110.40)

Preflop: Hero is in the CO with Ad 7h

I haven't been very active so far and decide to bump it up from the cutoff with A7o

2 folds, Hero raises to 4.00, GilbertoNo5 calls 4.00

I get cold called by the button, who's playing 21/17 and hasn't really done much. Haven't seen him cold call yet.

Flop (9.50) Qs 6c 9c

Not a great board for a conbet but I fire one out because I think villain has pocket pairs here quite often and I want to get those out.

Hero bets 7.25, GilbertoNo5 calls 7.25.

Now that he cold calls I don't know what to put him on. I would expect a draw like tj or flush draw to raise the flop, but he might just cold call. I figure a flopped set probably pops it up on the flop as well because of all the draws. Maybe he has a hand like a 9, maybe a 77,88,tt that is peeling one off.

Turn (24.00) As

I've paired my ace now, and with all the draws I figure it could easily be good, but I can't stand a raise and let him blow me off my hand. I should have figured that if he was going to semi-bluff, he probably would have done it on the flop, so maybe a bet isn't that bad. I decide to check call, maybe my biggest mistake in the hand. In retrospect I wish I had bet here and kept the momentum in my favor.

Hero checks, GilbertoNo5 bets 16.00, Hero calls 16.00.

River (56.00) 4d

Great river in that if I was good on the turn, I'm good now. All the draws missed. The timebank on ipoker sucks, so I was kind of lost here. I went for a small blocking bet. I didn't think I could call a large river bet so I figured the blocking bet forces him to really step it up if he wants to throw in a bluff, and therefore I don't get bluffed on the river. Again looking at it, I think a check call here might be best. That flop was sooooo drawy and they ALL missed.

Hero bets 15.00, GilbertoNo5 raises to 55.00, 1 fold

He raises my bet. My worry here is that my bet/line looks so weak, it looks like a great spot to raise the river. It really comes down to whether my opponent was smart enough to recognize that it was a blocking bet and ballsy enough to put over half a stack in on that read. There's a good chance I got bluffed, but at least I forced him to gamble big. Maybe he had 44 or A9, really the only cards I can put him on that play that way.

Kind of a weird hand, might post it on the forums later for some input. Felt like I got owned pretty hard on the hand lol

Aside from that I really enjoyed just playing two tables and trying to learn my opponents inside and out. Poker is actually a lot of fun when you decide to really play it hard.

think I did pretty well on my first exam today which is pretty nice. I seem to have a knack for exams, and given that I really didn't study as much as I would have liked/should have, I'm glad it went well. I followed it by playing about an hour of 8 tabling 50NL today for a loss of 130. Not sure if that's standard variance or what but I'm a little annoyed about it.

The combination of feeling well about doing well on the exam and then feeling like crap robotically grinding 8 tables of 50NL and losing led me to have a bit of an 'aha' moment which I think is a good way to close out my thoughts on the recent downswing and my pledge for the future.(warning: kinda long)

I see a lot of regs playing like 8+ tables on ipoker, most of whom play super standard and many also play super tight. When I first moved up I thought 'these guys are all exploitable'. But as I added tables and after I'd been playing the level for thousands of hands, I started to play robotically, and while I don't think I'm losing to these other regs, they gradually seemed to become less exploitable.

Also, I get into the habit of thinking . . I'm going to 'earn' hourly rate x. nice. Lets 'grind' y hours so I can have z amount of money by the end of the week. That isn't really what poker is, and I need to get away from that mentality. I think I'm going to get away from being a 'grinder' who plays 5-8 tables for an 'hourly rate' and change my mindset towards getting better, moving up faster and becoming the best, playing 2-3 tables, with a mix of stakes and games thrown in to help myself improve.

I remember Brian Townsend mentioning in a recent video 'good bankroll management for this guy (playing 50NL with 2500 br), I'd definitely be moving to 100NL at this point and even taking shots at good 200NL games' and Stinger was in the vid too and agreed. And I thought it was odd at the time and wrote it off to 'BT/Stinger are awesome players so they obv never needed much of a roll'.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it came down to a different attitude. Low stakes grinders like myself (and the myriad of others I see all the time at the tables playing like 12 at a time) get stuck in the 'I want to make x amount of money per hour'. They start as big winners when they're pumped about moving up and taking it seriously, but gradually become small winners, eventually barely breaking even and playing dozens of tables relying on rakeback for the majority of their hourly rate

(I'm not saying everybody who plays a lot of tables at small stakes is breakeven or doesn't want to imrpve or all that, but its the problem I've started having and if its true for me I'm sure its true for others as well, of course there are some really good regs as well)

But the truly great players, the ones who actually achieve success in the game don't care nearly as much about hourly rate (esp. in early stages), and care a lot more about improving and getting better than everybody else and being the best. Their success in poker comes from a competitive attitude and a desire to be the best, to improve, to compete.

Now I know I've gone on a bit of a rant here and I'm sorry but I want to have this down for myself so I can look back often. I know this is a common theme but I don't think it can be stressed enough. CONSTANT FOCUS ON IMPROVEMENT is the ONLY way to have long-term success in poker AT ANY LEVEL if you are an intelligent human being who isn't a robot.

It's time for an attitude adjustment. I don't really need to use poker to pay for school, its just that it would be nice, so the money isn't important. I would have to pay for school with or without poker. It isn't a job.

At the rate I'm going, I'm going to fail at school, fail at poker and fail at life in general.

Luckily, I've got another option that is quite a bit better. Success at school (first priority), success at poker (not really a priority because I don't need the money, but a competitive thing) and resulting overall improvement/success in life (gaining much more satisfaction/self-actualization out of what I do with my time).

Right now I'm in a 'poker is a job I can make $25 an hour doing it' mindset. I want to get to a 'I want to be among the best poker players, I want to improve, I want to beat this guy' mindset. I'm not going to lie. I think I'm a pretty smart person. In fact, I know I am. I'm also well disciplined and can generally keep a pretty cool head. All the ingredients for success are there, with only the most important one missing: competitive drive.

No longer. Competitive drive is the new focus of my poker goals, poker life, and life in general.

NEW PLAN (yes I know this is like my 4th plan in as many entries but this one I can follow through on):

Play AT MOST 2 tables of 100NL until I reach 3k bankroll. And don't play more than 3 tables of any game at any point in the near future.

Approach life with more competitive drive. Today when I left the exam hall I felt good because deep down I felt I could do better than average by studying less than average on that exam (most exams for that matter), and I could do better than anybody if I really made the effort. Maybe it's cocky (and I would never tell somebody I felt that way in real life 'cause its arrogant, but this blog is so far anonymous) but its the way I felt deep down and it felt good.

Being good at something feels a hell of a lot better than being mediocre but doing it a lot. So its time to start being good at poker, and to stop being in it for the money. It's time to start getting a lot better at life in general as well.

(Wow this blog was long. Sorry for the ongoing long blog entries)

Think I'm going to cut the current bankroll thing, kinda felt like it was bad luck or something. I dunno, feels like crap to have posted lower numbers for each of like the last like ten entries. Anyone who actually has been following this blog and thought it was worth having, drop a comment and maybe I'll keep doing it.

Peace

just noticed my blog was on the front page. sweet.

also noticed my last post was basically me whining about running poorly which might not be the way I want people to discover my blog lol, kinda made some cliff notes on my blog so far for anyone who stumbles upon this.

made a long-term plan that sees me with a 20k bankroll by the end of the summer, plus a nice gaming computer with two 22'' monitors.was going well, then hit a downswing and now I'm in exams.

end of cliff notes.

anyways, I've got some time to calm down a little due to exams tomorrow (I'm cramming right now for my exam tomorrow, and also Thursday). studying for these exams has turned out to be a little more intense than I guessed (or more accurately, the full extent of how much I'd procrastinated has started to dawn on me), so I'm not really going to play poker until my exam is over on Thursday night, which actually works out kinda well 'cause I could use a break. I think a break is important to get out of the 'I'm on a downswing' mindset, and also come up with a better idea for future.

been thinking more about the summer and its started to weigh more on my mind. I was so positive a couple weeks ago when things were going well and I thought playing this summer vs. working was the obvious choice both financially, flexibility-wise and because I really didnt' enjoy my job last summer. However, I had some personal reservations about spending two months doing that (mainly the fact that it's pretty antisocial and adds no value to my resume which is pretty important given that full-time job recruiting for after I graduate starts in September).

As a result I lost some confidence in that plan after about a 40 hour breakeven stretch at 100NL which has been the subject of probably my last 5 blog entries, and has caused me to start second-guessing my plan for the summer.So some additions to the plan and a bit of a revision:

I have another job possibility that doesn't involve many hours (probably less than 12 a week) and is really flexible, but will give me something to put on the resume to show that I wasn't completely M.I.A. this summer and hopefully a reference that I can put down on a resume as well if I am lucky. So if I add that to the plan, I think I'll have a little more credibility for my resume and a little confidence boost for the recruitment season in September (which didn't go well last year for summer internships and now it's kind of do or die for full-time after graduation so I'm a little terrified).

I also think I'll do some volunteering of some sort for the summer as well (suggestions welcome) for maybe ten hours a week that I can also add to the resume/personal reference and my self-esteem/self-actualization/feel-good factor.

Aside from that the plan stands fairly firm, although I think I'm going to become a little nittier with my bankroll, and try to be more cautious about not letting downswings/breakeven stretches affect me. I'll have to sort of do a revision of my expectations for the end of the summer but I think 15k by the end of the summer is challenging but doable, but I'll come up with that stuff when the summer starts in full, and try to make the goals hour-specific or hands-specific rather than results-specific.

anyways, kinda wanted to get those thoughts down on paper plus a nice break from a late-night cram session :) guess I got carried away its kinda long so srry bout that.

Current Bankroll: $2,500