-Once upon a time I started playing poker for 'serious' money (nl100/nl200 live), I promptly lost ~3k, losing the vast majority of the sessions I played... I fell into a bit of debt, got a lousy job at McDonalds in order to pay it off and fuel my gambling fetish, read books and tried to learn from my mistakes, and dropped significantly down in stakes and played online.

-I once made a drastic, temporary change in my SNG strategy and went on a month-long (or so) downswing because of it, I learned of my flaw and fixed it, and then recovered from my downswing.

-After winning 300 $ playing .25/.5 blinds, I realized how much money could be made playing hu cash and quickly turned my focus towards winning money doing it.

-One day playing 2/4 I played all day to win 4kish, only to lose it all back in <1 hour ONE TABLING (also decent possibility I was cheated) ... I've had multiple days like this in my career, including - six figure days even at this point. I kept my head straight, reviewed my mistakes, and kept playing good poker.

-Playing 5/10, I lost 20k out of a 70k roll, grinded it back to 60 k in one week, only to lose it all to back to an even worse line (below 50k). Still I kept my head straight, continued playing rationally, and attempted to improve.

-When making the jump to 25/50, I ran into some players of a whole nother calibre--players that understood the game at a significantly greater level than myself for the first time since I began. Still I took them on and lost/swung for a decent time, this kind of downswing/recovery combo dragged on for a couple months (making the 5/10 pale in comparison), but eventually I fixed all my flaws and even began conquering some of the same players. Lol, I never imagined my 25/50 winrate would ever be near what is now.

-You all know this story: I lost 500 k to Isildur one day... then the next day lost another 90 or so, losing a gigantic portion of my roll in two days. For once in a long time, the thought of legitimately going broke occurred to me... If this happened again anytime soon, I would be busto. Why couldn't this happen again after all? I convinced myself that I still had a lot of money, and that if I used it wisely I could still be a fairly wealthy person. I moved down in stakes, tightened up game selection and analyzed Isildur's strategy. and ended up going on one of the sickest heaters I've ever had. I won all the money I had lost back in about a month.



I can't say that I've handled all my failures appropriately (some not appropriately at all), but I am fortunate that I utilized these failures well and in addition not experiences the extent of setbacks that some of you have felt. Long ago I dreamed I would succeed if I acted wisely given my circumstances, but to be honest I did not REALLY imagine it would be to this degree, and especially not this fast. I believe there is still a lot of room for improvement, however... I think that anyone that truly takes the gist of this blog to heart and acts on it will effectively crush me.

In many other areas of my life I certainly haven't truly followed the implicit paradigm of this blog, it is fortunate that my circumstances (genes, past experiences, whatever) have allowed me to react properly to my circumstances without any explicit knowledge. Now imagine, what if this pattern could be applied to everything? With everyone?... What would be the result?

I remember a long time ago sometimes, particularly amongst religious individuals, I, like perhaps anyone, was supposed to say grace: to say thanks for all the things I was grateful for. More than likely I viewed this as a waste of time, and perfunctorily thought of a few things that made sense to say, not things I was truly thankful for. Only now do I realize the importance of being thankful.

It is important in that we tend to focus on all the bad things that happen to us, which results in us constricting our mindset towards those things. In doing this we inadvertently distort reality in our mind such that we belief it is a hell because all we are seeing are the bad things in life. In saying grace, we bring ourselves closer to a more accurate picture of life, and more importantly think positive thoughts, which undo the negative ones and make us happier. People who say thanks every day, who think of the positive things are more likely to be happy, successful, healthy, be more social, etc. It's clearly a +EV move, and so here are some things I am thankful for:

1. My success (obv)

2. My family, who for so long I overlooked the importance of their unconditional love

3. My friends

4. The opportunities I've had, and that I now have

5. Most importantly, the ability to look within myself and see need for improvement, and then implement change.

It's been a while since my last blog, and much has changed.

Life is good, spent a couple months in Vegas meeting people and doing various fun things: going out to eat, clubs, shows (saw blue man group!), etc. A couple blunders happened, unfortunate bellagio incident and managed to get 25 ppl kicked out of Surrender via pissing off the balcony (woops). Breaking new: Stupid decisions and alcohol correlate strongly! On the whole though I had lots of fun and expanded boundaries immensely.

Lately I've been focusing on adopting a specific frame of mind... We as humans have the potential to choose our response (to some extent) towards any stimuli, and some responses have higher expectation in life than others. Most people, including myself some times, have the inclination to focus on the aspects of the events in our lives that we don't like and can't change, for example: we resent the fact that we lost X money today and think about how much it sucks, we hate that dipshit just hit his 2 pair in a spot where he would have stacked off regardless, etc. Things like this, complaining and wallowing in self pity have very low life expectation, and are almost the worst response. A much more +EV response would be to think of the good things of the scenario, to think of a better future and of what one can do to learn from the unfortunate scenario such that that better future can become reality.

This example references just one of many areas in which realistic, positive thought can and should be applied over negative thought. It happens that thinking positive thoughts propagates more positive thoughts, and likewise the same goes for negative thought... If we continuously choose to think positively, not only will external world circumstances improve because the expectation of such thoughts are high, but out internal world will improve also. Good habits will form, and our outlook on life will be higher--we will become happier. Thinking realistic, positive thought is clearly the winning play.

I've been doing research on this, and it also has helped me answer the question: "Why am I so successful at poker?" The detailed answer to this is long, but in short because of an amalgamation of traits (I'll talk about in future blogs) and a decent amount of subtle luck. One such incident in luck was that I intuitively had the right mindset a long time ago regarding poker: Once upon a time I had no success, and I only seemed to ever lose when I played poker. I remember people thought I was stupid for playing, one person even implied to me that I was wasting my money playing this game (in almost those words). At some moments I even thought winning was hopeless... But from what I read in poker literature, all my current loses meant nothing in the grand scheme of things (realistic positive). And I was not interested in short term success--I truly believed that I could win (positive thought) if I applied logic and work (realistic thought) eventually my efforts would be availed. It took me nine fucking months of playing poker to even turn a profit, but could anyone say that I was wrong now? My realistic, positive attitude didn't pay off immediately, but now, a few years later, I have touched the sky.

Regarding the durrrr challenge, It's going down.

Firstly:

-For a variety of reasons, my rate is now 1250$/h, and that rate is 2500$/h if you sit at 25/50+ . I'm still taking 10 % off for 5-10 lessons paid in advance, and 25% for 10+.
-I'm not really interested in staking arrangements. It's not so much that I don't trust you (although obv this is an issue), but mostly because of the complications/potential stress that follow.
-Please, try not to message me when I am losing. I'm usually VERY irritable when I lose, and don't want to be distracted. The exception is when I'm handing isildur money at 1/2 etc...

Atm poker doesn't seem to give a shit about me. I've lost about 300 k in the last week or something, putting me at a 350k ish downswing. I'm running bad in a variety of ways, in particular getting coolered over and over and running bad in unseen ways. In addition, for the first time, there are instances in which I have NO FUCKING CLUE why I am losing. Facts seem to be contradicting, and reality seems further away from comprehension than ever...

At this moment, I am completely blasted by alcohol!!

My feelings betray me, and logic is ambiguous given that there are too many parameters to handle. Practically speaking, information appears to be useless on any kind of level that is/pretended to be imagined. But...then...WHAT???

CLASSIC HHS

Some of these are RIDICULOUS. Just completely BANANAS.

*going to update as I go along*


1. ***** Hand History for Game 17025514703 ***** (Full Tilt)
$10000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Wednesday, December 23, 06:59:01 ET 2009
Table Masters (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 2 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $32680.00 USD )
Seat 2: ORLOVSKIY ( $7199.75 USD )
ORLOVSKIY posts small blind [$50.00 USD].
jungleman12 posts big blind [$100.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ Js 9s ]
ORLOVSKIY raises [$250.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$200.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ Qd, 3s, Ks ]
jungleman12 checks
ORLOVSKIY bets [$600.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$1500.00 USD]
ORLOVSKIY calls [$900.00 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ Ah ]
jungleman12 bets [$2700.00 USD]
ORLOVSKIY calls [$2700.00 USD]
** Dealing River ** [ Qh ]
jungleman12 checks
ORLOVSKIY bets [$2699.75 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$2699.75 USD]
ORLOVSKIY shows [4s, 5s ]
jungleman12 shows [Js, 9s ]
jungleman12 wins $14399.00 USD from main pot

2. http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2291410%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%225009205%22%3B

3.http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2288727%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%224833940%22%3B

4.http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2287342%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%224715343%22%3B

5. http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2293996%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%225205005%22%3B

6. http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2283596%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%224438101%22%3B

7.http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2278311%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%224085698%22%3B

8. http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2277417%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%223993135%22%3B

9. http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2272391%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%223622875%22%3B

10. http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2269596%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%223441382%22%3B

11. http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2267763%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%223333067%22%3B

12. http://www.cardrunners.com/members/display_hand.php?session=s%3A5%3A%2259587%22%3B&hand=s%3A7%3A%222874114%22%3B

13.***** Hand History for Game 16883863637 ***** (Full Tilt)
$5000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Thursday, December 17, 07:02:54 ET 2009
Table Seperate (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 1 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $14279.50 USD )
Seat 2: aejones ( $7399.50 USD )
jungleman12 posts small blind [$25.00 USD].
aejones posts big blind [$50.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ Qc As ]
jungleman12 raises [$125.00 USD]
aejones raises [$500.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$400.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ 2h, 3c, Qs ]
aejones bets [$625.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$1250.00 USD]
aejones raises [$1450.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$1650.00 USD]
aejones raises [$1650.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$1650.00 USD]
aejones raises [$1650.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$9179.50 USD]
aejones folds
jungleman12 wins $8354.50 USD
jungleman12 wins $11849.50 USD from main pot

14.***** Hand History for Game 14658340099 ***** (Full Tilt)
$10000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Saturday, September 12, 09:08:19 ET 2009
Table Janell (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 1 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $51530.50 USD )
Seat 2: Spirit Rock ( $19997.50 USD )
jungleman12 posts small blind [$50.00 USD].
Spirit Rock posts big blind [$100.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ Kd 3c ]
jungleman12 raises [$250.00 USD]
Spirit Rock calls [$200.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ Td, 4s, 5c ]
Spirit Rock bets [$500.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$1500.00 USD]
Spirit Rock calls [$1000.00 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ Jh ]
Spirit Rock checks
jungleman12 checks
** Dealing River ** [ Qc ]
Spirit Rock bets [$7500.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$7500.00 USD]
Spirit Rock shows [6h, 7h ]
jungleman12 shows [Kd, 3c ]
jungleman12 wins $18599.50 USD from main pot

15.***** Hand History for Game 15350102405 ***** (Full Tilt)
$10000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Thursday, October 15, 03:02:40 ET 2009
Table New York (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 1 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $10939.00 USD )
Seat 2: Spirit Rock ( $22244.50 USD )
jungleman12 posts small blind [$50.00 USD].
Spirit Rock posts big blind [$100.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ 2h Ac ]
jungleman12 raises [$250.00 USD]
Spirit Rock calls [$200.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ 7d, 3h, Kd ]
Spirit Rock checks
jungleman12 bets [$400.00 USD]
Spirit Rock calls [$400.00 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ Qd ]
Spirit Rock checks
jungleman12 bets [$1100.00 USD]
Spirit Rock raises [$2200.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$2775.00 USD]
Spirit Rock folds
jungleman12 wins $1675.00 USD
jungleman12 wins $5799.50 USD from main pot

16.***** Hand History for Game 15579194405 ***** (Full Tilt)
$10000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Sunday, October 25, 06:21:53 ET 2009
Table Masters (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 1 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $27990.50 USD )
Seat 2: Spirit Rock ( $12299.50 USD )
jungleman12 posts small blind [$50.00 USD].
Spirit Rock posts big blind [$100.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ Ks 8h ]
jungleman12 raises [$250.00 USD]
Spirit Rock calls [$200.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ 4h, Qh, 9d ]
Spirit Rock bets [$600.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$1700.00 USD]
Spirit Rock calls [$1100.00 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ 7h ]
Spirit Rock bets [$2400.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$5500.00 USD]
Spirit Rock folds
jungleman12 wins $3100.00 USD
jungleman12 wins $8799.50 USD from main pot

16.***** Hand History for Game 13239223230 ***** (Full Tilt)
$5000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Monday, July 06, 05:04:18 ET 2009
Table Paint (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 2 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $9380.25 USD )
Seat 2: Limper1 ( $8319.50 USD )
Limper1 posts small blind [$25.00 USD].
jungleman12 posts big blind [$50.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ 3s 6s ]
Limper1 raises [$75.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$50.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ Ad, 4d, 4s ]
jungleman12 checks
Limper1 bets [$150.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$500.00 USD]
Limper1 raises [$850.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$1900.00 USD]
Limper1 raises [$2800.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$1400.00 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ Ac ]
jungleman12 checks
Limper1 checks
** Dealing River ** [ Jc ]
jungleman12 bets [$5480.25 USD]
Limper1 calls [$4419.50 USD]
jungleman12 wins $1060.75 USD
jungleman12 shows [3s, 6s ]
Limper1 shows [Ks, Ah ]
Limper1 wins $16638.50 USD from main pot

17. ***** Hand History for Game 14075278086 ***** (Full Tilt)
$5000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Sunday, August 16, 06:47:09 ET 2009
Table Bling (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 1 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $6674.00 USD )
Seat 2: THE2JETS ( $8324.50 USD )
jungleman12 posts small blind [$25.00 USD].
THE2JETS posts big blind [$50.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ Th Js ]
jungleman12 raises [$125.00 USD]
THE2JETS raises [$400.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$300.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ 2h, Tc, Ks ]
THE2JETS checks
jungleman12 checks
** Dealing Turn ** [ 5c ]
THE2JETS bets [$550.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$550.00 USD]
** Dealing River ** [ 5d ]
THE2JETS bets [$7324.50 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$5674.00 USD]
THE2JETS wins $1650.50 USD
THE2JETS shows [3c, 6c ]
jungleman12 shows [Th, Js ]
jungleman12 wins $13347.50 USD from main pot

18.***** Hand History for Game 14074458350 ***** (Full Tilt)
$5000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Sunday, August 16, 06:09:06 ET 2009
Table Cheap (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 2 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $15385.50 USD )
Seat 2: THE2JETS ( $3100.00 USD )
THE2JETS posts small blind [$25.00 USD].
jungleman12 posts big blind [$50.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ 4c Ac ]
THE2JETS raises [$125.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$100.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ 9h, Ks, 9d ]
jungleman12 checks
THE2JETS checks
** Dealing Turn ** [ As ]
jungleman12 checks
THE2JETS bets [$150.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$150.00 USD]
** Dealing River ** [ 7c ]
jungleman12 checks
THE2JETS bets [$2800.00 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$2800.00 USD]
THE2JETS shows [5s, 3h ]
jungleman12 shows [4c, Ac ]
jungleman12 wins $6199.50 USD from main pot

19. ***** Hand History for Game 14048798780 ***** (Full Tilt)
$5000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Saturday, August 15, 02:36:48 ET 2009
Table Bluff (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 1 is the button
Seat 1: jungleman12 ( $5449.50 USD )
Seat 2: THE2JETS ( $2395.50 USD )
jungleman12 posts small blind [$25.00 USD].
THE2JETS posts big blind [$50.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ 8s Kh ]
jungleman12 raises [$125.00 USD]
THE2JETS calls [$100.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ Jh, 3s, As ]
THE2JETS checks
jungleman12 bets [$200.00 USD]
THE2JETS calls [$200.00 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ 9c ]
THE2JETS checks
jungleman12 checks
** Dealing River ** [ Kc ]
THE2JETS bets [$2045.50 USD]
jungleman12 calls [$2045.50 USD]
THE2JETS shows [Jc, Qc ]
jungleman12 shows [8s, Kh ]
jungleman12 wins $4790.50 USD from main pot

20. ***** Hand History for Game 16565067983 ***** (Full Tilt)
$5000.00 USD NL Texas Hold'em - Saturday, December 05, 08:50:49 ET 2009
Table Laveta (heads up) (Real Money)
Seat 2 is the button
Seat 1: l Scubba l ( $17114.50 USD )
Seat 2: jungleman12 ( $5899.00 USD )
jungleman12 posts small blind [$25.00 USD].
l Scubba l posts big blind [$50.00 USD].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to jungleman12 [ 9d 7c ]
jungleman12 raises [$125.00 USD]
l Scubba l calls [$100.00 USD]
** Dealing Flop ** [ Ah, 2s, Th ]
l Scubba l checks
jungleman12 bets [$200.00 USD]
l Scubba l calls [$200.00 USD]
** Dealing Turn ** [ 4s ]
l Scubba l checks
jungleman12 checks
** Dealing River ** [ 8d ]
l Scubba l checks
jungleman12 bets [$575.00 USD]
l Scubba l raises [$2150.00 USD]
jungleman12 raises [$4974.00 USD]
l Scubba l calls [$3399.00 USD]
jungleman12 shows [9d, 7c ]
l Scubba l shows [8c, Ac ]
l Scubba l wins $11797.50 USD from main pot

A few weeks ago, I turned 20, and decided that today was a good day to play poker. I'm supposed to run good on my birthday, right? Not only did I not run good, but I had one of my worst days in terms of buyins. I can only think of three days for which I lost more...

It makes perfect sense for this to happen, after all, I'm equally likely to run bad on my birthday as I am on any other day, right? Part of myself, as well as perhaps everyone, believes/wants to believe this isn't true, and on our birthdays some mysterious force defies the observations of science by gearing reality in our favor. As common intuition* should tell us, this is not true. It is the opposite of truth*.

My experience on my birthday reinforced that general philosophy in me, and I think it is one of the things that has been essential to my success. When I was a losing player desiring to succeed, negative stimuli forced me to embrace good traits. The extent of my loses had upset me deeply, and made me want to play lower so that I could afford to lose comfortably: proper bankroll management. I had become so accustomed to losing that I embraced close to the ideal methodology of improving: I ignored the short term pain I had felt after each loss, and instead focused on why I was losing and how I could prevent it in the future: I focused on LONG-term results. Reading online posts and Doyle's books, I had imagined that, one day, the amount that I had lost (3k) over the course of months would be inconsequential in the grand scheme of things... It took me half a year just to win the initial amount that I had lost back.

I wish that in all aspects of poker, as well as in life, I could apply this philosophy to its ultimate end. Then, as a matter of natural consequence, of justice, I (as well as anyone else who would do this) would inherit the earth. True prudence would be to ignore all negative emotions (such as those that induce oneself to complain, to dream of an alternate reality) and focus on what truly matters: PROFIT. When emotionally the game begins to affect me, I try to remember this--shoving allin preflop will not win my money back, playing like an idiot will not win my money back, only correct choices will. Unfortunately weakness does exist in me, and it was exhibited when I played Isildur1. Logic demanded that I should quit him, yet I did not, just unfortunately for me the result was toward the most negative side of the spectrum of possibilities that result from me playing him.

Now I am forced to embrace the consequences of my weakness and stupidity. This blog functions as a reminder to everyone, including myself, to rely particularly on the science of reality to get what they want out of poker and life**. I hope that in the future, I don't make this mistake again. Success has made me complacent in recent times, but in the past I have forsaken the immediate pain for the idea of something greater than what I physically perceived. I've often been discontent with many of my actions in my life, including last session with Isildur1, but this past prudence has made me truly proud of myself.

*Common intuition/sense is derived from reality, as is science. I would even say it is basically a step down from science particularly in that it is implicit in its functionality, communication, and to what it applies to. In sciences, on the other hand, functionality, communication, etc are (close to) explicit (terms have explicit definitions for example)--sciences are more formal. Both common sense and science, however, are derived from the consistencies of reality and are used as a means of altering it to our liking. It is because the universe is consistent that we CAN do this, and all of our concepts of anything and everything as well as reality follow because this is the case. If this is not the case (the universe is NOT consistent), then reality cannot exist, in fact in can not not exist or even be described. Follow the implications to this and the only plausible concept of God becomes clear....

**Clearly there are instances in which people get what they want out of poker/life in spite of not applying themselves. With poker as in life as well as possibly most areas of life, the result of an event is rarely a certainty but instead a set of possible results in the short term. In the short term, a guy can suck out, cooler a guy or w/e when he is not a favorite in the match and thus injustice, or mercy occurs. In life this sort of mercy can be someone passing a test he/she normally doesn't pass, a team winning a game that they are an underdog to win, etc. But alas, underdogs are underdogs for a reason, and in the long run, justice is realized.

Once upon a time, my parents got a Nintendo 64 for Christmas, and a few video games with it. These were my FIRST video games; I hadn't previously cared about video games at all. Almost immediately I became ENRAPTURED by them, and played them for hours on end. In the beginning I really wasn't very good however, while I noticed my dad was much better. I once truly thought that I could NEVER be as good as he was, and this seemingly impeccable truth deeply hurt me.

Well, turns out I was wrong, VERY wrong in fact--now vice versa seems to be the case.

This thought has reoccurred to me on multiple occasions (usually with other nerdy things), but on multiple occasions, what I perceived to be the truth was in fact far from it. There was a time when it occurred to me with poker also: the summer of 2007. Around that time I was REALLY into poker, but unfortunately could hardly ever find a game. So I started playing .5/1 and 1/2 with a somewhat shady group of characters... and subsequently lost over 3k over the months of that summer, losing virtually every time. In between this, I read and reread articles and books on poker in belief that, knowing I was intelligent and not marginally so, I could one day master the game. At one point I genuinely felt that my efforts were useless, and my money lost in vain. Nevertheless I kept playing, unable to relinquish myself from the grasp poker had on me (degen?). Late in the summer my parents froze my savings account (the main source of my gambling funds), and still I played being loaned money from one of the regulars. In order to pay off debts as well as fund my endeavor, I started working...at MCDONALDS (FULL-TIME).

I actually could have easily gotten a much better job (good grades at magnet school, very high test scores, even previous experience), but I wanted the money somewhat fast. After my first couple pay checks I pay back the guy that I owe money to, and he "helps" me start an online account. Since he doesn't have a debit/credit card, I use my card to deposit money on his account, and then later to deposit on my account (oops)... With what remained in my checking account, I started playing online, roughly late August, 2007.

I started off with 5-10$ sngs. Needless to say, I went broke with my first couple deposits (~250 $), but I was much happier playing these stakes than losing at .5/1+. Unfortunately, school was starting, so I could no longer work full-time--gambling would have to wait. Then, I found 200 $ in my account that did not seem to be able to exist, and deposited 70 of it online... A few weeks later, my account is overdrawn 70 $, BUT I have nearly 450 $ online! Finally, I was winning!

One day, I find that I can't login on FT. FT emails me, saying that they are closing my account because I have more than one, with the other one being that of the guy that I owed money to. FT says they will give my account back if I verify my identity, but unfortunately I turned in my only ID (driver's license) to the DMV just a week previously! Sonofabitch!

It will take me another month before I get my license back and am able to play on FT again...

In Mike Caro's Book of Tells, there's a section in which two limit poker hands are dealt between the same group of players. In one hand there's all kinds of raising pf and postflop, while in the other virtually nothing happens in comparison. In both hands, the same flop, turn, and river comes, the players have the same hole cards, and yet the outcomes completely differ! This illustrates the fact that our actions have a certain probability to them rather than being certain, and in poker this phenomenon is very clearly and frequently witnessed. Avg winrate, among other things, is then derived from the summation of the averages of one's actions for every scenario...

By nature I've witnessed myself to be a moral (albeit egotistical) person, but also idealistic (in theory, not in habit :(). From the evolutionary perspective, morals exist because it so happens that the moral choice is often the most prudent; profitable--it yields the most utility/degrees of happiness/w/e. Ex1: We tend not to start fights (for no reason) because creating a problem for another results in the other responding negatively towards by a different tendency (selfishness), etc*. Ex2: We are kind to those that are kind to us because of the aforementioned different tendency (selfishness) because they have a positive bearing on our existence, so we do them favors because want them around.

However, there are clearly scenarios in which prudence appears to dictate that morals be abandoned. Ex: We have the opportunity to steal from someone you know, without him/her ever knowing. The clear choice, using prudence, seems to be to steal because stealing must yield a utility gain whereas not stealing yields a utility of zero. In spite of intellectually knowing this, I am certain that I could not bring myself to do this if I was ever in this circumstance. IE, the probability of me doing this is zero, or very close to it. As with other scenarios, my probability of doing the moral action is high, and it makes sense to think that/suggest that the probability of what I do in one scenario affects the probabilities of what I do in other scenarios (this makes sense almost no matter what perspective you choose). It then makes sense to think of morality as the probability for which we do a certain action in a certain scenario, and thus measured by this. Using this frame of reference, the question "is x the most moral/prudent choice in this instance?" becomes impractical; the more appropriate question is then "is x the prudent set of weighted probabilities (heart, if you will) to have when approaching this scenario?" Relating to the example, consider the fact that if you were to choose the immoral choice, it would imply that there was a possibility that you would perform immorally in your previous experiences as well as in your futures ones. Because immoral actions generally have a lower net utility than moral ones, it is at least likely that you actually incur a net loss by embracing a heart that enable you to choose to steal in this instance in spite of the fact that you actually gained utility in this instance! Therefore, (by this perspective) prudence likely dictates that the moral course is to contain a heart that chooses not to steal in this case. A poker world equivalent could perhaps be a case where doing a certain play might be +EV given very precise information, but the act of doing so implies -EV choices in the past as well as in the future (and also that humans are flawed**).


Before poker I imagined myself looking to solve some of the mysteries of the universe (those physical as well as currently philosophical). I was/am very good at math/science/academic X, often driven by the question of "Why?" Unfortunately I was/am really damn lazy and perhaps lacked/lack tangible incentive (in poker this is the WIN/MONEY). One thing I had one day hoped to discover is whether justice necessarily exists, or does not...

*Although we tend to think of human nature as bad, this perception seems largely a matter of heuristic. Statistically there is more tranquility than conflict, which not only debunks the notion that human nature is bad but also makes conflict more noticeable, giving rise to the heuristic that human nature is bad. Human nature being bad is also contradictory to evolution--conflict is (net) counterproductive to reproduction. Lastly, historically conflict on a larger scale (war) has decreased as time has gone on.

**This implies that trust in particular is bound by tendencies that cannot follow prudence to it's ultimate end (Max EV), and are therefore flawed. It's sick to think that imperfection yields a bond such as trust, and furthermore that prudence, when confined to said imperfection (which is necessarily so, because we are human) demands that we submit to imperfection--we are inherently, inevitably imperfect. Moreover, this phenomenon may actually yield the largest net gain for all individuals while possibly theoretically slightly detrimenting each individual's max EV (Perhaps the utility of trust is just higher on average than extra profit elsewhere) , which is profound considering it to be something derived by evolution. This actually seems reciprocal to at least one other aspect of our nature...

It's 3PM, and I woke up. I don't feel like getting up, so I got up anyway... and moved to my sister's bed to catch some zzzzzzzzz for little while. I heard a boom, so I looked out of my window and I saw a fucking bear (it fell out of the tree). Whatever. I got up, and tied my white shoes. Shame I wasn't wearing my black kobe's, so I could dream of putting up 81 some day. My mom started bitching at me about some shit, but I was like w/e bitch and slapped the shit out of that cumdumpster. "I'm about to go make some serious dough bitch, fuckoff"; I hopped on the net and got right in the online game. I played some bum at 25/50, who I later found out to be Jesus... needless to say I lost some bling to say the least. Cursing and howling like a mongoose, I took a break to get grind off my mind... so I went to mcdee's to see my homies and get some chow. On my way there, I saw a homeless guy riding that bear from before (I know cus it had a missing leg). While waiting for the usual #13, I noticed a guy just chillin with a deck of cards and a box in hand. He was wearing a two piece bathing suit, a thick coat and... fucking clown shoes (Who is this clown?)? So I pull out my wad of cash and say "NL5K brah?" He says "I don't play that shit son" then goes to his shoes, and pulls out what looks like 100K+. We get to bargaining, and eventually we play some cool 100/200... for several hours, until some fat bitch tells me my food is ready. "I g2g" I tell this clown; luckily I won a cool $5.62 (just enough for the meal). The guy taps the table in some kind of pattern (Morse code?), gets up, does a short jig, and sits back down as if nothing has happened. What the fuck? So I hopped in my whip, and I wanted to listen to some serious jams. I put in my main pleasure man (GUNTHER) into the CD thing... but then, all of a sudden, I noticed something was horribly wrong. I was LOST, in my car. I mean, I knew where how to get home from here, but where was I in the car? I see that homeless guy from before (now he is eating the bear's leg), and signal him to come over and help me come find my way. He can't hear me, but he seems to understand... he tells me where I'm at using sign language, and I finally get the window down. He's a cool dude, so we chilled and smoked a joint with the bear for about an hour. We talked about some serious shit, life-changing shit etc. He tells me about how he gets lost on the bear all the time, so he understood my previous dilemma.

Nothing special, just thought you all should know a day in my hood.