When I get emotional, I feel the need to tell anyone for some reason. I guess thats what happens when you feel you can't trust the closest people to you, you trust anyone but them.
With that said, today will be very long and emotional. I hope to clear up some things that I left vague but I am now ready to write about. I hope to convey the next chapter in this saga in my relationship with my parents.
I finally accomplished the one thing I have been trying to do for probably 3 months now. I finally told my parents how I feel in regards to the conditional love and abuse that I have endured. I have shouldered their feelings, burdens, expectations forever. All things that are not my responsibility but in order to survive I took all of these on. I was suicidial by the end of my first year of college because I felt this was the final straw in showing that I would never be successful enough in life for my parents, and that I would be always a dissappointment and a failure. Thankfully I have friends that helped me through this ordeal and I moved on. I still experienced levels of failure in my next years of collge and finally after going through insane amounts of stress I graduated in something that I did enjoy at the time.
Back in January when I wrote about my mental breakdown after being triggered by Dexter, I realized finally how I truly felt and how much pain I felt because of my relationship with my parents. I learned through several friends and my life coach that you can be a parent for yourself. I learned to unconditionally love myself and for who I am. Granted I still don't know who I am exactly in regards to many subjects in life but I listen to myself more than I coudl possibly imagine.
I also learned that I don't have to live for other people I just need to live for myself, thats all my job as a human is. I redefined countless things in my life the past 6 months. I started to find the true Jonathan Davis, not a model of what someone else thought I should be. It was a great experience and I cannot imagine knowing life without those changes. Above all I learned how to forgive anything, I forgave myself for almost failing college, for being weak, for being quiet, for being so serious, for being myself, etc. Above all I forgave my parents so I could love them compassionately again. It never their desire for me to feel all of this and they certainly want only the best for me. The sad reality is that my needs were not met in a way that put supported me emotionally. Its not their fault and I place no judgement on them.
However, I am strong enough to make choices on my own in regards to who I have relationships with. I had a very good friend who I enjoyed my time with him greatly but again I was not strong enough to realize how little that relationship served me emotionally. So I put up with it and we fough like crazy, people used to joke we were a married couple at the gym. A few months ago I decided that I cannot continue to spent time with that person, it just hurts too much. I never did tell him how I felt about it and I feel like I have run away. He is in the marines and I really won't get to see him at all until next year. So we don't see each other much to begin with but I felt like I have run away emotionally without even telling him why or how I feel. This kills me and I hope to have a conversation with him one day.
With that said about my friend, I did gather an insane amount of courage two days ago and finally told my mom and my dad how I feel regarding our relationship. To be honest, I thought January was painful beyond belief. What I felt after that conversation was ten fold of the pain I felt earlier this year. I told them both that I feel I am treated in a way that I deserve or respected. I also receive incredibly conditional love as well feeling that I will not be good enough for them. Because I feel this way, I a pathological liar when it comes to many subjects, including my current job, grades in college, anything dealing with success I have lied without even thinking. I have felt its not safe to tell the truth and I lie to save my idea of self worth. I was told that if I felt they were not good enough for them I need to get the fuck out of their lives. My dad said many times that of course is love is conditional, how I could love you unconditionally for who you are. I said I am sorry you feel that way, feeing more pain my life and left.
I stayed the night at a friend's house and felt I could never face my parents again. I fell asleep at ten and missed a call from my dad just after I went to sleep. He also called this morning twice and finally texted, I love you, you are always welcome at home.
I am currently at my parent's house trying to figure this out. I told them because I want a honest relationship because I do love them unconditionally which is why this hurts so much. So on one hand I stay home and try to figure things out, probably go through more pain or I stay at friends houses and run away essentially. I don't know what to do anymore and I do know that I want a relationship with my parents but I also don't want to feel this much pain. I also know that I cannot try to have another conversation with them until atleast tomorrow. I have only have so much courage.